Ranma ½: 2–For–1
by Shark8
Summary: Ranma trades places with another version of himself, one that was born a girl. What chaos and entanglements will result from this? How long will it take before everyone realizes what’s happened? How will this strange tale be resolved? All this and more
1. The Beguiling Of The End

Listening intently to the background noise, or rather the lack of it, Nabiki put her book down and got up from where she had been sitting. It almost puzzled her, she'd manipulated and practically begged or thrown out everybody so she could read in peace... but now she just couldn't get into the book. Walking over to the short table she grabbed a cookie Kasumi had left there and bit into it. This wasn't good, she had to do or hear something before she went completely mad from the silence.  
  
Nabiki blinked as her eye caught the television in the corner. Well, it was worth a try... maybe the TV would be in a good mood and pick up the signal from the Army base. American television was always interesting, either in the true sense of the word or, as was more frequently the case, in what would possess someone to watch such a thing.  
  
"What if you could travel to parallel worlds, the same year, the same earth, only different dimensions? A world where the Russians rule America? Or where your dreams of being a superstar came true? Or where San Francisco was a maximum security prison? My friends and I found the gateway. Now the problem is finding a way back..."  
  
Nabiki changed the channel in mid-sentence to see what was on the other channel the TV could sometimes receive from the military bases, her curiosity getting the better of her.  
  
"...ot attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image; make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to the outer limits."  
  
'Well, it looked like sci-fi was in the menu tonight.' Nabiki thought as she made herself comfortable. Little did she know how true that would turn out to be.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Ranma!!" Mousse yelled, simultaneously loosing several chains at the target of his anger.  
  
"Mousse Cut it out, will ya! I wasn't doing nothing!" Ranma shouted back as the chains wrapped around him. This wasn't exactly what he wanted to be doing at the moment, the distraction Moose was from his meal was inexcusable... his stomach rumbled in agreement.  
  
Growling, Ranma freed himself from the chains and deciding to end this as quickly as possible, for his stomach's sake, he threw all of his chi into speed and rushed at Moose. Grinning at how he could almost taste the victory and the food, he blinked in surprise as Moose was not where he was supposed to be.  
  
The chinese master of hidden weapons had sidestepped at the last possible moment, that in itself caused Ranma to blink in surprise. Ranma now had a strange device, looking like something that could equally be a bomb or some student's science fair project... Ranma wondered what the heck it could be, just before he remembered that we was, for all intents and purposes, a high- velocity projectile. Moose settled his glasses on his nose as he watched as Ranma collided with the wall that was at the end of the street, followed instantly by a blinding blue flash and a purple-and-black marbled sphere quickly shrinking in size at that exact point.  
  
Mouse starred, he couldn't believe it, it had worked. It had worked!! Now that he had defeated Ranma nothing could stop him from being with Shampoo! "I'll have to thank Ryoga for that... bomb." Mousse mumbled to himself, he hadn't thought it would have been nearly that effective, considering the babbling the Hibiki boy had done, but SOMETHING had happened to him... Mouse thought back to the incident causing flashback ripples to form.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mouse was watching the cat café while Shampoo was out on a delivery and her great-grandmother was taking a nap. He didn't mind it too much, yes, he knew he was being taken advantage of, but it was for his 'True Love'. .. Someday he wanted her to see that he was there, and that he'd always been there.  
  
Movement caught his eye, he saw movement very well it was the focusing he had trouble with, the last of the lunch customers had just stood up. The old man started to hobble on his rickety cane, but Mouse intercepted him and escorted him to the door.  
  
"Thank you son." the old man said, "You're quite kind to help an old man like myself..." trailing off, Mouse almost flinched as he feared the old man would backhand him with his cane. It was an unpleasant aftereffect of his training. His old master would smack him upside the head when Mousse showed any sign of his attack. Not that his own grandfather would ever really hurt him, just cause enough pain to instill discipline. It worked, Mousse did not flinch a millimeter when the old man's hand appeared in front of his chest.  
  
Looking down Mousse saw that the man was offering him some money in return for the kindness Mousse had shown him. "No, I... It was nothing, sir. Keep your money."  
  
"Ah, honorable too! Well son, I hope you do well in life and accomplish your goals." the old man replied as he exited the café.  
  
'My goals...' Mouse thought for a moment, 'what ARE my goals? I want Shampoo to love me and to marry her, but I can't do that until I defeat Ranma, thanks to those stupid old amazon laws...' Mouse continued to himself as he walked over to clear the old man's table. 'So I need to defeat Ranma... but how? HOW?!' Mousse desperately thought as he caused all the dirty dishes to disappear into his sleeves. 'My normal attacks won't work on him...' Mousse produced a sponge from a sleeve and washed the table as he thought.  
  
It wasn't until he was depositing the dirty dishes in the sink that it hit him, he needed to truly change his tactics. He couldn't act on anger, he had to rely on cold calculations. So far he'd relied on semi-surprise attacks, trying to out-fight Ranma, and trying to overpower or overwhelm Ranma with multiple weapons. What he needed to do was out-think him, not the on-the-fly tactical improvisation that Ranma had proven so adapt in, but in such a way that Ranma would play into his hands... but what could he use or do that would be different than his normal attacks?  
  
It was then that the small black pig struggling to pull a ridiculously oversized pack came out of the cupboard underneath the sink. 'How did Ryoga get in there!?' was all the surprised chinaman could think for a few moments.  
  
"Here Ryoga," Mousse picked up a cup, filled it with hot water, and unceremoniously poured it on the black pig that suddenly wasn't a small piglet but a dark-haired young man. "Are you going to tell me what happened or just sit there?"  
  
Ryoga looked up at Mousse and almost leapt into an embrace. Mouse was surprised and embarrassed at having a naked man grabbing on to him like that until he realized that it was simply sheer terror that was driving the poor guy. Even with that realization Mouse was incredibly uncomfortable.  
  
Finally after ten minutes Ryoga had been calmed down and comforted enough that he was talking in comprehendible sentences, as he got dressed. "It was horrible, Mousse, horrible. There was this small pink-haired scientist..." Ryoga shuddered as he contemplated something, then continued. "She was using me as one of her lab animals. I had to have been in there a month, maybe two!"  
  
Mousse's eyebrows lifted at that. Ryoga had been last seen five or six days ago, even if he was captured immediately he shouldn't have been giving such big estimates, even if the torture was like he was saying. "Go on." Mousse prompted when Ryoga stopped.  
  
"She was crazy! She was developing strange devices and advanced weapons systems... all by herself like a bad movie villain, ONLY WORSE!" Ryoga threatened to break back down into hysterics. "If it wasn't for her interest in some small guy with a pony-tail I'd have been probed to death by now... Those injections still hurt!" Ryoga rubbed his rear continuing, "I was really lucky to escape, and even luckier that she didn't take my pack." Ryoga remembered his frantic, adrenaline filled rush to freedom... he'd nearly forgotten his pack, but when he saw it he grabbed the straps in his mouth and fled. He then ran, as fast as his pig body could, barreling through all sorts of machinery and equipment in his flight to escape. There had been one heart-stopping moment when his pack caught on something, but then it gave and he found himself in a dark, empty space and didn't quit running until now.  
  
Mousse sighed, this was way outside his field of expertise. Mousse was about to tell Ryoga to go see a doctor when he remembered about Ryoga's terrible sense of direction, it would be better if he took him to Dr. Tofu's personally. "Come on Ryoga."  
  
Ryoga nodded as Mousse led the way, stopping first to tell the ancient amazon Cologne and close the shop.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
At Dr Tofu's Ryoga was given something to calm him down, a lot of it. "There! You'll be fine in no time Ryoga!" Dr. Tofu reassured his patient as he took care of the equipment and supplies he'd used in treating the young man.  
  
Something caught Mousses eye, it was sticking out from under the flap of the pack in such a way that it could have just as easily been caught on the pack as well as being hastily packed in. Mousse freed it and turned it over in his hands examining the strange device that looked like it could have worked equally well as a prop for one of those old "Mad Scientist"movies or some student's science fair project. "What is this?" Mousse asked to himself.  
  
"Oh that's a 'Spacial Disruption Artillery Shell', or something like that..." Ryoga said almost happily, the boy looked almost drunk but didn't speak like it... yet. Under those heavy doses the doctor had given him it wouldn't be long before he wouldn't be conscious enough to do anything but drool. "You can set the timer with those blue buttons," Ryoga tried to gesture with a hand, but when it wouldn't move he gestured with his head and almost toppled from the bed. "And the red one forces a manual detonation, so you don't have to use the cannon assembly." Ryoga took a breath and continued, his speech making it obvious that the drugs were working. "Jus go BOOM! Boom-be-boooom! JamsssBond, nd alllll. La la bwa...." Ryoga continued for a few moments but nothing he said after that made sense.  
  
Looking up at Ryoga ,Mousse noticed that all he was doing was laying on his side in an odd manner, drooling. "Yes. Well, I, uh, must be going." Mouse said as he left the helpless patient in the good doctor's hands, taking the device with him. Even if Ryoga was delirious it may be worth a try.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A reviewer, dogbertcarroll, brought up a good point which I have fixed to the best of my ability. This is an excellent example of constructive criticism, showing me where I'm wrong, and letting me correct it.  
  
dogbertcarroll How did the device get in his  
pack? He was in Washu's lab as a pig which means  
small and naked. He couldn't carry his pack.  
  
Thank you for pointing that out, he couldn't carry it but he could drag it behind him as we've seen in the series. I hope that this slight edit fixes the ambiguity.  
  
Comments & Criticisms are welcome. efish@cs.nmsu.edu 


	2. So Close, And Yet So Far Away

||Chapter 1|| So Close, And Yet So Far Away  
  
"Ranma!" Ukyo yelled in surprise as she ran out of her restaurant. She couldn't believe what had just happened. Mousse had beaten Ranma! It wasn't the way that he'd crashed into the wall or the flash of energy that had caught her attention, it was the way in which Mousse was in complete, calm, control. It was almost like watching Ranma's own complete self-confidence, but as surprising as Happosai decided to join the boy-scouts. It started out normally enough, but this was the most impossible outcome Ukyo could have contemplated.  
  
Mousse had charged in yelling some outrageous claim, interrupting Ranma's meal, demanding that the matter be settled immediately. Ranma accepted Mousse's challenge without a second thought, after all he could wipe the floor with the chinaman without even trying, or so Ranma had thought. He had been wrong, dead wrong.  
  
Ukyo could barely think as she reached the end of the street and began shoveling debris out of the way with her oversized spatula. She had one panicky thought, to find Ranma. 'Oh, Ran-chan!' she thought, using her childhood nickname for him, 'I don't believe this! You were just sitting there in front of me a few minutes ago!'  
  
Ukyo almost collapsed in relief as she found some cloth, which was followed by a body, that of Ranma Saotome. 'Don't die on me, Ranma darling!' Ukyo thought as she scooped him up and took him to the closest person that could help her, Dr. Tofu.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Dr. Tofu took the unconscious form of Ranma as he tried to comfort Ukyo, the poor girl was nearly hysterical. 'Maybe she could use a dose of the medicine I *just* gave Ryoga.' Dr. Tofu thought wryly, "Calm down Ukyo, Ranma will be just fine. He's only unconscious, although he'll be sore when he wakes, there isn't all that much to be worried about."  
  
"Oh-OK.." Ukyo stammered as she fought to regain control, she took several deep breaths and found that it helped immensely.  
  
"That's right. In, out... In, out." Dr. Tofu encouraged her, although he was more intent on examining Ranma's various lacerations and contusions, "There's a chair in the back room next to Ryoga, if you need to sit down."  
  
The not-so-subtle suggestion was almost lost on her, and then she understood what he was getting at, she must look awful. Then the rest of the statement hit her, 'Ryoga?' She went into the next room, not for the chair she told herself, but to see Ryoga.  
  
Seeing Ryoga laying there helpless was a shock, while there didn't appear to be any physical damage it was obvious to her that he'd recently had the sense beaten out of him. 'Look at that... poor boy, all he can do is lay there and drool.'  
  
"Dr. Tofu, who brought Ryoga in?" Ukyo hoped that the doctor would answer, Akane, or Kuno, a stranger, or that he had, by some miracle, found his way here by himself. All her hopes shattered as she heard the doctor's reply.  
  
"Oh, Mousse brought him in earlier today." The doctor said as he cleaned Ranma's scrapes and cuts.  
  
That was it, Mousse had defeated both Ryoga and Ranma, she couldn't quite keep from collapsing into the chair. 'How? Is it magic? Could he have done some new training?' Ukyo wondered, but those answers weren't acceptable to her. She couldn't believe that Mousse could improve so much in such a short time, even with intensive training or the help of magic. 'Maybe, maybe he's always been holding back.' That thought made even less sense seeing his devotion and drive to win Shampoo.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, Soun and Genma were bored out of their minds. Nabiki had quite adamantly forced everyone out of the house and they had wound up escorting Akane, Kasumi, and now Shampoo while the three girls did some shopping. Genma scratched his head while he wondered how Shampoo had managed to join the little group, all he'd done was order a ramen delivery and she'd somehow not only stayed with them for the past hour-and-a-half but convinced Kasumi and Akane to buy several silken pantsuits like her own.  
  
Shampoo smiled as she convinced Akane to beg her father for another 'cute' article of clothing and then retreated to stand next to Genma. "Great- grandmother be proud when Shampoo tell about practicing 'Force of Will' technique! Ranma no stand chance of resisting Shampoo now!" Shampoo turned to Genma, who had just emitted an "Urk!"  
  
"What panda-man problem?" Shampoo asked, not even realizing she'd been gloating aloud moments before.  
  
Genma couldn't believe it, the girl was practicing the dreaded 'Force of Will' technique! He'd never heard of it before but if the Old Ghoul, her great-grandmother, was teaching her any new techniques then they were obviously dreaded. He would have to get into action and find a counter for Ranma to use, something like this called for him to go to a most dangerous place, a place where mortals could be easily lost for days, a place of unparalleled peril. Even he, Genma Saotome of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, a master of the Art feared the public library. But it was the only way he could help his only son, he would have to let Soun know, just in case he didn't make it back.  
  
"Tendo!" Genma whispered harshly to Soun Tendo as he got into range.  
  
"What is it Saotome?" Soun asked noting the look of urgency on his friend's face before he started to panic. "Did you see the Master? Did he see us?" "No, The Master's not here! But something's come up and I've got to go." Genma replied, reliving the abject terror that Soun was throwing himself into at the mere thought of Grand Master Happosai. Genma took a breath and then decided that he had to tell Soun. "I've got to go to the library."  
  
"The library! Are you mad?!" Soun yelled excitedly. "You remember what happened the last time you were there... and those books aren't getting any less due."  
  
"I know, Soun, I know, but it may be the only thing that I can do to save my boy." Genma said with an almost fatalistic resignation. It would defiantly be the crown of his achievements as a martial artist.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
At very nearly the same time, in a universe that was is some ways the same, but in other ways extremely bizarre by our own standards. One where the predominate difference, in fact the defining difference, was that one important person was born a female instead of a male. No! Not Jesus! Ranma! Gee can't anybody build a little drama? *Sigh* Anyway, on with the story.  
  
Ranma pulled himself from under the pile of debris only to come face to face with Mousse. 'Oh no!' was the only thing he thought as Mousse lunged at him.  
  
"Ranma! You're ok!" Mousse said in the enthusiastic manner he reserved for Shampoo as he hugged Ranma.  
  
"What?" was all Ranma could get out. Mousse had just been attacking him and now he was hugging him! "Mousse, cut that out!" Ranma said as he struggled to free himself.  
  
"I'm just glad Shampoo didn't hurt you!" Mousse said, with the same concerned enthusiasim as before.  
  
"Let go of me, I can take care of myself!" Ranma shouted as he erupted from Mousse's arms.  
  
Seeing Ranma burst from Mousses arms, Shampoo yelled "Stupid girl-boy no know when stay down!"  
  
"I wish you two wouldn't fight so much. One of theses days you won't fight to a standstill, and you know what happens if you win." Mouse sighed at stating the obvious, but sometimes Ranma just didn't think when she got excited. "The kiss of death, remember?"  
  
Ranma almost missed the blocking Shampoo's attack. She was going all out on him, Ranma thought in surprise as he dodged and blocked the attacks with ease. It wasn't nearly the challenge Ryoga or Mousse gave him, but it was more than either Kuno gave him normally, almost like a good workout.  
  
Mousse's jaw dropped as he saw the ease and confidence with which Ranma fighting Shampoo. 'She's really been holding back a lot.'  
  
Ranma was slowly wearing Shampoo out, though not in any way that would be declared a win, but in that way that showed that he easily could have had he chosen to do so when someone came to join the fight. Though Ranma would never suspected that he'd hear Kuno saying what he was saying... 'Wait! What am I thinking? This is Kuno! Nothing he says should surprise you.'  
  
"Fear not my beautiful blue-haired beauty!!" Kuno announced his presance again, this time adding his signature bad title "I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, shall defend you're honor, my full-bosomed and exotic Shampoo!" Shampoos eyes seemed to go wide in apprehension for a moment.  
  
With that shout Kuno entered the fray, or would have if three heavy objects attached with chains hadn't suddenly wrapped themselves around him and his sword. 'Ranma may have been holding back but she's still probably no match for two martial artists.' Mouse thought as he began to oppose the newcomer.  
  
After ten minutes Ranma decided he'd had enough. He was just going to go home, take a bath, and go to bed hoping things would return to what passed for normal in his life. A few dodges, a rope, and a Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken later he left the three other combatants tied up as he jumped from rooftop to rooftop in the fastest route to the Tendo Dojo as he could think of.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Oddly enough Ranma slept in, his father hadn't even aroused him when he came in. Ranma looked over to where his father normally slept only to see empty floor. 'That's strange, did pops even come home last night?' Ranma wondered as he made his way to the bathroom to wash up for breakfast. 'Dad doesn't usually stay out all night. Maybe he went out drinking till late and didn't come home.'  
  
Kasumi, Nabiki, and Mr. Tendo were sitting at the table waiting for breakfast when Ranma joined them. Mr. Tendo was reading the paper and grunted in greeting not even looking up. Nabiki was busy reading a book and didn't seem to register Ranma's presence. Akane said "good Morning" as she looked up at Ranma with some unspoken question in her eyes and told him that Kasumi would have breakfast ready in ten minutes. It kind of irritated Ranma, how could he answer her question without it being asked? It was then that Ranma saw his father practicing a kata in the back yard near the little fish pond.  
  
"Hey pop!" Ranma yelled at his father, usually he would just surprise- attack him, but it was rather rude to interrupt a kata like that. So, in an uncharacteristically polite move, Ranma announced his intention to spar his father.  
  
"Well, Ranma, if you're sure you want to, but be warned, I'm not going to go lightly on you!" His father replied with genuine smile that Ranma somehow found disturbing. With a battle yell they both launched into the air... only to have Genma fly into the fish pond triggering his transformation.  
  
"Oh my!" Came Kasumi's voice from the porch as the panda dragged itself out of the fish pond. "That wasn't a very nice thing to do to your father, Ranma." She said in a plain voice that somehow seemed to hurt more that the worst tirades and lectures his father gave him. "Anyway, breakfast is ready."  
  
"Grower!" the panda held up a sign that said 'Thank you, Kasumi.' then turned it around and it read 'Don't be too hard on her, it's that time of the month.'  
  
Kasumi giggled when she read the sign, "Oh, I see. I suppose you'll want some hot water Mr. Saotome." the panda just flipped the sign back to its original position thanking Kasumi.  
  
Ranma was rather puzzled at that, it wasn't that it was out of character for his dad to say something inappropriate, but it seemed almost like his dad was going light on him and Kasumi actually giggling!  
  
Everyone ate breakfast quietly, which suited Ranma just fine, he wasn't even hungry enough to eat some of his dad's food. When everyone had finished Ranma was about to head out to school when he remembered that it was Saturday. With a grin he headed out on the town to get a couple of manga and just waste time relaxing.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
*Gwrol!* Ranma looked down at the money in his hand it wasn't enough to get a decent meal, unless... Ranma smiled, sometimes his curse wasn't all that bad, heck, sometimes he was tempted to say that anything that got him extra food couldn't be all that bad. 'Oh, man! I've got to quit thinking like that or I'll end up like pops!' *Gwrol!* 'Ok, I'm going!' Ranma thought to his discontent stomach as he made for the nearest food stand.  
  
Not five minutes later Ranma had sated his empty stomach. 'Wow. I knew I was hungry, but not that hungry.' Ranma thought as he made his way back to the dojo, still in his girl form.  
  
When Ranma stepped into his room he dropped his bags and dropped to the futon for a nice afternoon nap, not even bothering to ghange into a guy. Ranma smiled as he went to sleep.  
  
Ranma was awakened what seemed moments later by a knock on the door and Kasumi's voice drifted through the door, "Ranma there's somebody here to see you."  
  
Ranma was up and groggily making 'her' way down the stairs. Though, when he saw who it was his eyes flew open and all thoughts of sleep left his mind.  
  
"Ryoga! What are you doing here?" Ranma asked as he went into a defective stance.  
  
"I was... I mean... Waiting, " Ryoga smiled that embarrassed smile and fumbled in his pack to hold out a package. "This is for you Ranma."  
  
Ranma took the box from him and after a minute trying to decipher the package Ryoga spoke up. "They're German chocolates... from Germany." Ryoga blushed thinking of how stupid that must sound, 'Gah! German chocolates... from Germany. Of course they are! You idiot, Ryoga!'  
  
'I wonder if it's poison...' Ranma thought cynically. 'No, Ryoga is no Kodachi, and he'd want to finish me off with his bare hands.'  
  
An unenthusiastic "Thank you." was all Ranma could manage. Then when he saw how that seemed to crush Ryoga he mustered up some sincerity and said, "No, really thank you. I've just been having a rough time lately." With that Ryoga seemed to go from being the embodiment of a dark, stormy day to that of a warm, sunny spring afternoon. 'Boy, Ryoga, you really do wear your emotions on your sleeve, don't you? I wonder if this is your way of apologizing.'  
  
Ryoga's expression clouded over for a moment as he struggled to say something. "Ranma, I... you. Someday, would you..." Ryoga trailed off mumbling.  
  
"What was that Ryoga?"  
  
Ryoga blushed furiously, as he laughed trying to shift attention away from what he found embarrassing, literally laughing it off. "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all Ranma." He blurted out so fast it was obvious that he wasn't being truthful, but only because he didn't want to be more embarrassed.  
  
"Ryoga! My boy!" Mr. Saotome greeted suddenly. Causing both Ranma and Ryoga to jump in surprise. "I see you've found Ranma. You weren't thinking of asking my daughter on a date were you?" He said as he added a wink at Ryoga and Ranma.  
  
Screams of "Gya! N-no, sir!" and "Dad!!" filled the room as Mr. Saotome broke into a grin and laughed. "Okay then, I'll just leave you two lovebirds alone." He said as he walked away.  
  
"I'll get you for that!" Ranma shouted, nearly stumbling on Ryoga as he tried to catch him.  
  
Ranma stopped and looked back at Ryoga who looked like he was going to either pee his pants or pass out. Luckily he didn't do either, and just said something unintelligible as he mechanically picked up his pack and began absently saying how he had to be going. Then he suddenly seemed to snap back to normal as he came on a thought.  
  
"Ranma, I'm sorry about missing you at the lot..." Ryoga said and then choked out, "And the incident... at school." Ryoga said a final "I'm sorry." before breaking into a run... straight into the closet.  
  
Ranma stood there stunned, Ryoga had just apologized, the one constant in Ranma's world had just eroded away and Ranma Knew that this had to be some kind of illusion or dream... but it all felt so real, he couldn't tell reality from unreality anymore.  
  
"Damn you, Ryoga! This is all your fault!" Ranma screamed into the air as loud as he could.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ok, so maybe I should have split this up into two chapters. Yes, things are quite different than Ranma is used to, things are so familiar, yet so alien. The next chapter should clear up some of the divergences, and we'll all get a look of how the female Ranma is handling the other universe's own craziness.  
  
Comments & Criticisms are welcome. efish@cs.nmsu.edu 


	3. Oh, What Tangled Webs Fate Weaves!

||Chapter 2|| Oh, What Tangled Webs Fate Weaves!  
  
In the male Ranma's universe, a few hours earlier, Dr. Tofu had just made a call to the Tendo home to make sure that they would be picking Ranma up. Not only had Nabiki said that she would see to it, but when he told her of Ryoga she agreed, oddly she had almost insisted, to take Ryoga as well. The doctor would have rather preferred to call the boy's family but he had been unable to find a listing for them.  
  
Ukyo had calmed down after a time, but the doctor had insisted that she go home and rest. He'd also told her not to do any cooking for the next two days. That girl's stress was just way too high. She had no family, few friends, and was trying to support herself with her abilities as an oknomoyaki chef while attending high school. 'She's going to burn herself out.' Dr. Tofu thought as he sighed, he'd had help putting himself through med-school, and even then, it had been a close call. Now there was this girl, trying to make it all on her own, at such a young age, and only going to give herself grey hairs is she was lucky. Dr. Tofu sighed again, he needed to take his mind off of that depressing train of thought, he needed to do something to relax, something he could enjoy. A smile suddenly appeared on the doctor's face, his clinic would be closed tomorrow, but the library would be open, and it had been such a long time since he'd read a good novel.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Nabiki set the phone down only to pick it up to call a cab. 'Oh, Ranma, this favor's going to cost you a lot more than I'll be paying for the cab.' Most people would see only a loss and a hassle doing something like this, but Nabiki was not most people, and she was quite skilled in seeing opportunities. For example, she knew that Ranma had promised Akane to try to keep from fighting Ryoga the next time they met, she now knew that they were both at Dr. Tofu's, which implied favorable odds that the two boys had roughed each other up. Ranma wouldn't want Akane to know that he and Ryoga had been to Dr. Tofu's after what he'd promised, and that meant a chance for profit.  
  
Nabiki went outside to wait for the cab, 'I hope that the family can keep away for a little while longer.' This was the riskiest part of her gamble, in her opinion, as the family could return at any time between now and her return. Nabiki weighed the risks of telling the driver to 'step on it' but decided against it just as the cab pulled up. The poor thing had seen better days and, judging by the exterior, was threatening to fall apart at any second. It was for this reason that Nabiki was surprised at the interior, which was incredibly clean and in excellent repair.  
  
"`Ello, miss." The driver said with a grin, like he had the best job in the universe, "`ere'll it be?"  
  
"Take me to Dr. Tofu's clinic please." Nabiki said, then rattled off the address to dispel the puzzled look she got from the driver.  
  
"Right-o, Miss!" The driver said as he pulled several tight turns that had to be several G forces. "Here we are!" Nabiki stared in shock. 'That trip... in less than a minute, we would have had been going close to 800 kilometers an hour!' she noticed her hand shaking as she reached for the handle. "Um, could you wait for a moment? I need take a couple of guys back home."  
  
"Sure thing!" The driver said as he leaned back and relaxed with his arms behind his head.  
  
'Of all the cabs in the city I get the one driven by a crazy, speed-demon foreigner, you'd think this was New York.' Nabiki thought as she exited the cab.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * Not ten minutes later Nabiki found herself hauling two unconscious boys into the dojo with the help of the driver. It was just in time too, because the three other Tendos came in just as the cab sped away. Kasumi and Akane were trying to console their father, who seemed to be giving any sprinkler system a run for it's money with his tears, as he cried and wailed or his 'lost friend, Saotome'.  
  
"What happened?" was all that Nabiki could manage.  
  
"Saotome! He's gone! Dead," Soun wailed, "well as good as dead!" Soun sniffed and seemed to visibly pull himself together. "I told that fool not to go! It's too dangerous, even for such a master of the martial arts!"  
  
"What? Where did Mr. Saotome go?" Nabiki queried, genuinely intrigued at what kind of place could be so dangerous to throw her father into such a state.  
  
Soun suddenly burst into tears anew. "The library!"  
  
"I see." Nabiki flatly stated, she couldn't believe what she'd just heard... that was absurd even for her father and Genma. Then again it *was* her father and Genma they were talking about, their capacities for the comically absurd and superfluous were as close to infinite as humanly possible. Although Nabiki had turned even that into an asset, as very little surprised her and when it did she was quite good at masking that surprise.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Ranma was extraordinarily sore waking up, she felt like she'd been hit into a wall. As her mind shed its sleepy cloud she remembered that she had been thrown into a wall. 'That stupid Shampoo! Just cause she feels cheated about that fight in China she thinks she can challenge me to a fight whenever she wants!' Ranma replayed the events of the day she'd met Shampoo.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ranma and her father were following the Chinese tour guide to an amazon village. Well, actually Ranma was in the lead by about fifty meters. It was a rather sunny day and that made Ranma smile despite being hungry. She was still trying to get used to her cursed form and they'd eaten the last of their supplies the morning they'd arrived at Jusenkyo. She was so preoccupied that she ran into a Chinese boy in long white robes and a pair of glasses perched on a head of long hair.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said as she bent to help him back up. "I should have been watching where I was going."  
  
"Oh, well... thank you miss..." The boy said as he pulled his glasses down to see.  
  
"Ranma!" Ranma introduced herself with her usual gusto and her cute smile. First impressions, they say, are the most important. The most favorable of there impressions being one of friendliness, which is how most people perceived her usual introduction.  
  
"Mousse," The boy reciprocated, smiling as he explained, "it was my fault, I was day dreaming of my village and..." Mousse hesitated for a moment, he hesitated as if searching for the right phrase, "a special girl." He finished with a hopeful look in his eyes that quickly took on a daydream state.  
  
He snapped out of it suddenly when Genma and the guide caught up to them and Genma yelled "So Ranma! Who've you found!"  
  
Ranma quickly introduced the two and Mousse's eyes lit up when he heard that Genma was a martial artist.  
  
"I just finished learning the 'Hidden Weapons' school under my my master, Leche." Mousse sais with what sounded to be more than a bit of pride.  
  
"So, you're a martial artist too. We'll have to spar sometime, I hear there's a small village up ahead, we could spar when we arrive there." Mr. Saotome offered in a genuine way, the way he reserved for his martial arts.  
  
"Ah, you wouldn't happen to mean the amazon village, would you?" Mousse asked.  
  
"Yes, why?" Genma asked, puzzled because the guide said that it was a rather secluded village and few knew of it save locals, himself, and those he'd guided through China.  
  
"Oh, I grew up in that village, well not quite in the village, but right outside it." Mousse said, "You know, I can show you some of the sights in the area, if you'd like." Mousse didn't seem to notice the guide's face darken.  
  
Ranma laughed and deftly disrupted the situation by pointing out that they weren't getting any closer just standing around, and that the sooner the got there the sooner they could eat.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * Genma saw two combatants fighting on a 'ring' in the middle of the village. The village had a somewhat crescent shape that afforded someone coming from this direction a clean, clear, and unobstructed view of the activities that were going on in the ring, which was actually a log suspended by both ends by a thick rope. It seemed like he was watching two rather mediocre fighters have it out right there in the middle of the village. 'I bet Ranma could take them with her hands tied behind her back, she's always had a good sense of balance and she's coming along well in the Anything Goes style.' He thought as the party reached the outskirts of the village.  
  
As soon as the small group had actually entered the village Genma's eyes lit up at the sight of a table piled with food and all the thoughts of a contest left his mind. "Look, a communal table! I've read about these and I'm sure they'd let some starving visitors have some!" He exclaimed as he raced over and, before Mousse or the guide could tell him of the gross breach of conduct he was about to commit, used the Saotome School of Anything Goes food serving technique to deposit various items of food in all the travelers mouths.  
  
"Oh no, sir!" the guide said as he pulled a drumstick of chicken out of his mouth.  
  
"You're eating the prize for first place Mr. Saotome!" Mousse yelled as he frantically waved his arms in what one could only guess was excited despair.  
  
"Prize, what prize?" Mr. Saotome paused his eating only long enough to ask.  
  
"The prize for the tournament they told you about while we were walking here," Ranma stated dryly while trying to pick some corn that had been lodged irritatingly between two teeth. "the one you were just watching."  
  
"Why you eat my food?" A blue-haired and well-built amazon girl.  
  
Genma nervously chuckled as his mind raced "Mousse, you said this was the prize for a tournament, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Mousse said, not realizing where Genma was going with this, "but it's only open to women."  
  
"Ranma, you can do this. You can enter the contest and win!" Genma shouted excitedly. "It'll be good training and you'll vindicate the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts!"  
  
"I'm standing right next to you dad." Ranma flicked the piece of corn she'd finally worked loose away. "You *really* didn't need to yell like that."  
  
[Commercial Break: Kuno is tap-dancing with his bokken  
if front of Shampoo in her cat form.]  
[Commercial Return: Sasuke is bringing some tea to his  
master and trips dousing Shampoo and causing her to return  
to her original form. Kuno sees her and 'attacks' her with  
a big hug.] Ranma jumped up onto the log, causing it to start swinging slightly. 'How did I let daddy talk me into this?' Ranma asked herself as she prepared to fight Shampoo for the championship title.  
  
"Shampoo going to make you pay rude foreign girl!" the other declared as she readied her club-like weapons, Ranma had no idea what their actual name was but she wouldn't let them hit her.  
  
The fight raged on for a good fifteen minutes, neither of them getting the upper hand. Ranm was mainly on the defensive because of her opponent's better reach, but what attacks she got in more than made up for their lack of frequency. Ranma flipped and twisted, up and over Shampoo, her intent to hit the other girl in the back and end the fight but her foot slipped as she landed. Ranma almost fell off, but the forward motion (or backward when she landed) caused her to fall back along the log instead off to the side. Shampoo smiled slowly as she readied a strike that Ranma would be unable to block or dodge.  
  
Ranma's vision seemed to focus on Shampoo's clubs and time seemed to slow to a crawl as they made their inexorable decent. Ranma could hear her father's voice slowed down to a ridiculous crawl as well as Mousse's and several of the onlookers. The clubs still made their decent, but suddenly they were being blocked by a long red object.  
  
The slowness seemed to break and time returned to normal as Ranma regained her focus. The red object was actually an umbrella, she realized, and it was being held by a figure she had known for several years, Ryoga Hibiki.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ranma blushed as she remembered how heroic and noble Ryoga had looked standing there for a moment and then wielding his umbrella with such skill and speed that it seemed he'd just swept the amazon off that old log.  
  
Ranma also remembered what had happened in the following minutes. Royga had asked her if she was alright and then had been struggling to tell her something when Shampoo had loudly claimed that Ryoga defeating her made him her husband, and then chased him off to who knew where.  
  
After that all hell broke loose and the rest of the population had run them out of town, the only reason they'd gotten away was `caus her father had asked Mousse to provide a diversion, which he did after hearing Genma promise a date with his daughter if he did. That memory made Ranma want to growl, 'What was dad thinking? Mousse is a nice enough guy and all, but he's not the one daddy engaged me to he's not the one I'm interested in.'  
  
Ranma sighed as she reached into her drawer and pulled out a pair of boy's boxers, women's underwear tended to be rather uncomfortably tight in her cursed form. She wondered, yet again, how men could stand to have such sensitive *equipment* in the open, they seemed to be in the way a lot. On the other hand she now understood 'the unwritten rule' between men, having been hit there several times in her cursed form, it was an enlightening experience. Ranma retrieved her gi and was about to go take a nice hot bat when she noticed the time. 'Oh, crap! I really slept in! No time for that, just barely enough time for breakfast before daddy's nine o'clock.'  
  
Ranma hurried through the refrigerator and grabbed what she needed to make a quick and light breakfast. It wouldn't do to make something really heavy before helping teach class in the dojo, it would be rather embarrassing if the sensei's daughter and assistant lost her meal in the middle of class.  
  
As Ranma exited the kitchen she saw the rest of the Tendo household already in the middle of breakfast. All of them, except Soun who was reading the paper, were starring at her and the two pancakes she had on her plate.  
  
Akane in particular stared at Ranma, partially in amazement that he was actually being nice to Ryoga and partially because he'd made his own food. She wasn't even sure the lazy bum knew how to boil water, much less make pancakes quickly, on the fly, and without a recipe.  
  
Nabiki just dryly commented, as if she'd read her sister's mind, "He's just realized that he's too good for Kasumi's cooking."  
  
Ranma laughed at that, "Nabiki, you know that I'll cook with big sister, we'll make dinner tomorrow."  
  
Kasumi just smiled and said, "Alright Ranma, that sounds wonderful, I would love your help."  
  
After watching Ranma devour her pancakes at supersonic speeds, as opposed to the normal warp speed, Akane finally asked if Ranma was ok.  
  
"Sure thing Akane, I've just got to hurry to the dojo cause I slept in." Ranma replied as she hopped up and started to exit the room, "Oh, Akane, would you take care of my dishes please? Thanks you're a pal."  
  
'A pal?' Akane thought, she didn't know what to make of that statement. 'Ranma's acting a little strange, but then again a little strange is nothing out of the ordinary concerning Ranma.'  
  
Akane's thoughts were interrupted by a feminine scream, she couldn't be sure but she thought that it was 'Ryoga!' As Akane rushed out to the dojo she failed to see Nabiki's grimace.  
  
The sight Akane saw was vastly different than any she'd imagined. There was Ranma trying to catch Ryoga who was on an adjustable rolling stool, the kind you could find in a doctor's office, propelling himself along spouting a joyful "Wheeeeeee!" at random intervals. She didn't know it, but had she thought about it she probably could have come up with the right answer, apparently the drugs Dr. Tofu had given him weren't completely out of his system.  
  
Ranma finally caught Ryoga's attention when she stopped the stool with her foot, unfortunately for Ryoga inertia declared that he keep going, and as he crashed into the floor of the dojo three things happened. First, Ryoga said "Oh, the floor, I just LOVE floors!" Second, Ranma tried to catch him, and third, Akane was starting her "Ranma! How could you be so mean to Ryoga?" speech. What Ranma did next froze her words in her mouth though.  
  
"Ryoga! Are you ok?" Ranma asked in a sincere manner as she rushed to cradle him and make sure he was.  
  
Akane just watched in dazed stupor as she watched the following scene unfold.  
  
"Ah, Ranma!" Ryoga said as he finally recognized who was holding him. "I LOVE you Ranma!"  
  
Ranma blushed furiously, her face trying to compete with her hair for redness. Then, after Ranma had caught her breath, she did something that made Akane's ears burn, she kissed Ryoga.  
  
'Oh, he doesn't even kiss me, his fiancee, but he'll kiss his rival!" Akane was embarresed and anraged, to much to realize the implications of what she was thinkihng.  
  
Nabiki had come in sometime during that scene and was watching the whole thing with amusement. She had taken several pictures, for her "hobby" of photography, but what happened next was something that surprised even her normally unshakable self.  
  
Ranma asked with a suddenness that drew everyone's attention immediately "Ryoga! Do you want to get married?"  
  
"Sure. I just LOVE weddings!" Ryoga said in his drugged state. The look of rapture on Ranma's face was priceless.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ok, so we have a little of female Ranma's background story now, some of that fateful training trip to China has been revealed, and there will be more yo come.  
  
khim - I really like it. Just one thing: IMO it's  
better to separate this stories. More or less like "All  
Mixed Up VR"/"All Mixed Up AG" - even if you'll write both  
sides of story. Somehow I'm more interested in normal Ranma  
in alien worlds, though...  
  
Khim, I understand what you're saying, but if I did that I wouldn't develop the two stories equally. Although I suppose I could separate the two stories and post them on my personal website when I'm finished.  
  
ShadowBakaSama - This is a great idea, but poor  
Ranma-chan is going to be in trouble if she isn't a  
lesbian or at least bi-sexual with all the girls that  
will be throwing themselves at her...  
  
Ah, thank you, you've seen through my evil plan. No, actually, she's not going to be lesbian or bi-sexual, I'm going to try to keep the story as 'PG' as possible. {Although that translates to almost PG-13 in the Ranmaverse.}  
  
And, finally Puu-Chan, there is a reason that the Saotomes are staying at the Tendos that's not even related to fiancees! I would have included it in this chapter but: 1- it was already getting pretty long. and 2 - It's kinda the wrong universe to bring it up in. I mean, wouldn't you rather hear Mr. Saotome or Mr. Tendo tell that part of the story?  
  
Comments & Criticisms are welcome.  
  
efish@cs.nmsu.edu 


	4. Snails, Pails, and Kitty Cat Tails

||Chapter 3|| Snails, Pails, and Kitty Cat Tails

It wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. A vivid, horrifyingly realistic nightmare would have been a more accurate description of what Ranma had found his life had become virtually overnight. 'I'm a guy! Pops teasing me about Ryoga! That's just low.' Ranma stewed as he returned to the kata he was practicing in the dojo, there was a class in session, being taught by his own father no less! 'What was he thinking doing that! Maybe I should go on a date with Ryoga just to spite him...' Ranma thought bitterly before he realized, 'Ok, that was a dumb idea. No wonder I get myself into all sorts of bad situations, I'm glad I had my teeth clenched or else I probably would have said it aloud to myself.'

"Ranma!!" Genma suddenly yelled, "Loosen up, if you're that tense you'll hurt yourself and Daddy doesn't want to see his little girl hurt."

'Gya! What is it with the girl thing! What is everybody's problem1?', Ranma thought silently, then aloud, "If I'm a girl then why are the Tendos letting us stay here. It's not like you would want your daughter to marry another girl, is it?"

Genma just stared at Ranma, she'd never been so disrespectful before. He sighed, this was definitely an indication that they needed a father-daughter talk, things would have been so much easier if Ranma were born a boy.

"Ranma, show some respect for your father, especially in front of the students." was all Genma said, although he did so calmly, quietly, and discreetly enough to make Ranma wonder if there was any credence to alien abductions and pod-people. "We'll talk about this later, for now though, go to your room."

Ranma made his way to the room he shared with his father, pausing only to notice something he hadn't before. There was a sign on his door, his name in English characters, just like Akane's and Nabiki's rooms. 'That's weird… I wonder when they put that there?' Ranma wondered as he entered the room.

Searching a drawer for one of his manga, one concerning the only person in life who might be able to empathize with Ranma's own predicaments, Ranma realized that none of his manga were there, only a diary. The diary was his own as it turned out, leading Ranma to wonder, "What is this!? I never kept a diary!"

Having nothing better to do Ranma sat down, opened 'his' diary and began to read. It wasn't long before Ranma closed the diary and threw it in disgust. 'That stuff about Ryoga! Gross!' Ranma shuddered, then ran out of his room to change into a guy. 'I'll never, never, dress up as a girl around him again!' Ranma avowed determinedly, then the thought of what he'd just read appeared in his mind where he was a guy… Ranma paled, it was worse! 'I'll never let myself see Ryoga again, that's it.'

Splashing hot water into his fac Ranma exited the bathroom as a guy, nearly running into his father and that got him one of those "I thought I told you to go to your room" looks that all parents seem to hone.

"Ranma, come on we'll have that talk now." Genma said as he led Ranma back to his room. Genma started to sit on the bed, then he sighed and remained standing as he spoke.

"Ranma, my daughter, I don't know what's gotten into you. Today you've been like someone totally different. You're treating me with such disrespect and… spite, really hurt me." Genma said in all honesty, looking as if he were about to cry.

Ranma stared at his father, "daughter" echoing through his mind until the rest of what his father said caught up. "D-d-daughter!? I'm a guy, see!" Ranma indicated himself angrily.

"What!? Ranma, Jusenkyo cursed you with that form when you fell in the spring of drowned man." Genma tried to explain the obvious, "Including Jusenkyo in our training trip was the worst thing I've ever done to you, I thought you had forgiven me…"

Ranma starred in shock, his dad was apologizing. "Wait, pops, if I'm a girl than prove it."

"Very well Ranma!" Genma said as he made his way to the closet and pulled out several dresses, "What would a boy be doing wearing these?", he asked rhetorically as he saw Ranma's eyes budge. Then he reached into the top shelf and pulled out a photo album and a file folder.

Genma turned to Ranma with a look of fond reminiscence. "You were such a cute little girl!" Genma said as he sat on the bed with Ranma and opened the photo album. Ranma couldn't tell any difference between these pictures and the few he'd seen before, except these seemed to have much more mild settings, and he was obviously dressed like a cute little kid.

"That doesn't prove anything… that looks like any kid," Ranma was lying to try to deny the evidence, but that hardly mattered, "you could have gotten those pictures from anybody!"

Genma smiled, he always liked proving himself right, even if it was against his own daughter. "What about this?" He asked, holding up a piece of paper form the folder. Genma smiled inwardly at this, it was the conclusive and undeniable proof that Ranma was and always had been female.

Ranma snatched it and quickly read it. "Certificate of live birth… Saotome, Ranma… FEMALE!!"

Genma nodded as he closed his eyes and handed the folder to Ranma. 'I thought Jusenkyo only affected the body, but what if it's tearing her mind apart? I can only hope that this proof will help her come back to herself.'

Opening the folder Ranma found the things of a small girl, first report card, birthday card, even an old letter from her childhood friend Ryoga. Ranma now knew it wasn't everybody else who was wrong, it was he himself who was, he'd woken up in someone else's life. 'He-heh! I'm going to have to act like a girl so I don't seem strange… at least until I find a way to get things back to normal. I need to get out of here so I can think.'

'I've got to act all girly-girl so nobody suspects me… ' Ranma thought before opening his mouth to speak. "Daddy, I need to take a walk, ok?" Ranma leaned over and kissed his fathers cheek, 'Yuck, I can't believe I'm doing this!'

Genma smiled, and breathed a relived breath that his daughter was starting to act normal again, and said "Sure! Kasumi needed us to go get some food today anyway. We can get it while we're out."

* * * * * * * * * *

Mr. Saotome had insisted that Ranma change back into a girl before they had left, and then Akane had wanted to come along with them, which explained why Ranma was returning to the dojo with several packs of groceries as a girl with 'her' father and Akane. Her father had been amazed at Ranma's ability to load herself up with groceries like a pack mule because he'd never seen her do anything quite that boyish while Akane simply glared and thought 'I thought I was supposed to be the tomboy.' It was this scene that was interrupted with a loud yell of challenge.

"Ranma Saotome! PREPARE TO FRY!" a female voice suddenly uttered, causing ranma to lose one of the bags he'd been carrying.

'What!?' Ranma thought as 'she' looked around frantically for the source of the challenge. 'Who said that? And isn't that supposed to be 'DIE!'?' Ranma thought as he finally found the girl that had issued the challenge and did a quick double-take.

Ukyo stood there, giant spatula strapped to her back and a big pink flower perched in her hair, ans she repeated the challenge. "Prepare to fry! Or are you so scarred that I'll beat you in a cooking contest that you forgot how to cook?"

Ranma was shocked to say the least, he'd never expected to be challenged to a cooking contest, unless somehow martial arts were involved, but as he saw Ukyo start to set up a mobile stove he quickly thought about leaving this one be, 'I can't cook, I can barely boil water… and that's only because of this stupid curse!'

Genma suddenly interrupted Ranma's thoughts with a shout of, "What are you waiting for girl! Are you going to let her get away with insulting your abilities like that!"

"But dad," Ranma tried to protest, somewhat unsuccessfully when Akane joined in encouraging him to teach that girl a lesson.

"You're always bragging about how good your cooking is and how you don't even need a cookbook!" Akane accused, adding to the pressure. 'I hope she really sticks her foot in her mouth,' Akane thought bitterly, that Ranma was a talented cook and she was not had disturbed her more than she was willing to let on.

"Alright!" Ranma yelled while thinking 'If it'll get you all to shut up and leave me alone I'll cook something.... but what?'

'Oatmeal! How can somebody screw up oatmeal?' Ranma thought as 'she' rummaged through the bags of groceries, 'Nobody likes oatmeal anyway!'

Ranma quickly brought the water to a boil then he added the oatmeal to the boiling water and began adding random items from the groceries he'd just bought. He'd quickly read the instructions, but then decided against it, leaving it to fate and the axiom that nobody liked oatmeal to be his defense when he inevitably lost.

"What are you doing?" Ukyo asked as she looked at Ranma's discarded trash, "Everyone hates oatmeal, so you're going to have to make something else if you want to beat the great Ukyo Kounji!"

Ranma completely forgot about his plan as he heard the taunt. It was predictable in the extreme to those that had met him. 'Oh yeah! There's no way I'm going to lose to a girl, Uu-chan!' Ranma thought as he pulled out a cast iron pan and began to fry pieces of bread in butter.

As ranma flipped the bread he pulled a quick Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken with a knife to slice all the mushrooms while the bread was toasting it's other side. Then to everyone else's surprise threw the bread in the air and made the sandwiches as they were falling. Though this surprised them, it was what kind of sandwich Ranma had that surprised everyone. Ranma looked down at the still clanking, and now empty jars of peanut-butter and mayonnaise. 'Oops! I was going so fast that I didn't read the labels, I thought I was making peanut-butter and jelly… and how'd those mushrooms get in there, I was going to saute them.'

"Peanut-butter, mushroom and mayonnaise… sandwiches?" Genma said to the stunned silence, 'Maybe she's not getting any better. I know she is a great cook, but that's just… weird.' Genma sighed, 'I hope she doesn't want me to taste it.'

"Alright! Here we go!" Ranma exclaimed, trying to make it looked like he was planning to do this from the beginning, "Daddy! You'll be the judge, right?"

Genma paled ans shook his head frantically while making defensive gestures, "I wouldn't be able to give a fair judgement as your father!" Genma said, 'That and I don't want to eat… whatever that stuff is.' "Sorry Ranma, but Akane would be a better choice."

Akane looked flabbergasted, how was she, practically Ranma's sister, supposed to give any better judgement than Genma would? Then she looked at the ingredients littering the ground, 'I'm not sure she's not trying to mock me with all this stuff.'

Ukyo just shrugged and said "ok" with a small aelf-satisfied smile. 'There's no way ANYBODY would like that slop!'

Akane was about to protest when a shrill cry of pure evil cought everyone's attention, "Charlotte! Charlotte, come back!!" The monestrous being cried, although it looked like a cute little girl and went by the name Azusa, it was a demon in all reality.

There were soon heard panicked "Bwee! Bwee!'s" as a small black piglet wearing a yellow and black bandana tried to outrun the harbinger of its own doom.

"Oh, no!" Ranma cried as the piglet seemed to jump straight at 'her'.

Akane turned toward Azusa and began to radiate an aura of anger. "How dare you! P-Chan's my pet!" Akane screamed as she hit Azusa across town with a mallet. Then seeming to regain some of her composure turned to get P-Chan from Ranma. Although she saw Ranma P-Chan was nowhere to be seen, neither was the water Ranma had been heating to make tea for the contest, but she was so concerned with P-Chan that she didn't register it. 'That's odd, I could have sworn P-Chan came this way…" Akane said as she looked down the street to see if she could find her pet.

In a walled in yard, right behind where Ranma had been standing, a naked boy sat dripping wet with hot water from the teapot that was sitting on his head. It had happened so fast that he didn't realize that he'd changed back for a moment. 'What happened? I was heading for Ranma and I guess I overshot. How's this kettle get here anyway?' Ryoga looked around to see if he could find his pack, or at least a change of clothes. After a few minutes he emerged wearing a red shirt and old O.D. green army pants. 'Good thing that guy was willing to sell his clothes for that money I found!'

Ranma blinked in surprise at that, he'd expected Ryoga to be in his usual yellow shirt/black pants combo, then nearly broke up laughing when Ryoga shyly started stammering about something or another. At this Ranma broke into an uncontrollable grin, Ryoga could eat anything.

"Hey, Ryoga! Would you like a bowl of oatmeal and a sandwich?" Ranma slyly asked.

Ryoga stopped stammering and thought, 'Yes! Cooking lovingly made by Ranma, just for me!' There were tears streaming down his face as he said, rather un-calmly, and almost at a yell. "Yes Ranma!"

Ranma shrugged as 'she' handed him a bowl of oatmeal and a sandwich, a peanut-butter, mushroom and mayonnaise sandwich to be exact.

Ranma, Genma, Akane, and Ukyo almost gaged as Ryoga began to eat the sandwich. Two bites into the sandwich Ryoga said that it was the best sandwich he'd had in a year, then he said he hadn't had any sandwiches in a year. After the sandwich he turned to eat the dubious looking oatmeal. Everyone held their breath as he plunged the spoon into the gooey morass and put it in his mouth. 

Everyone waited expectantly, Ukyo for Ryoga to realize that he'd been poisoned, Genma for Ryoga's head to explode, and Akane and Ranma out of sheer morbid curiosity. Ryoga placed the spoon back in the bowel, looked up at Ranma and said very softly. "Ranma, I don't know how you did it but this oatmeal is great." Then he jumped up, bowel in hand and declared loudly, "Ranma Saotome is the best cook in Japan, only she could make oatmeal this good!"

Ukyo looked crushed… good oatmeal, how could that be!? Ranma Saotome was obviously a master cook, probably better than she herself would ever be. "Could I have some?" she finally asked, realizing that it would probably be the only chance to eat cooking of such caliber.

"Sure, there's plenty." Ranma shrugged as 'she' gave Ukyo a bowl.

"Ranma! Let me have some!" Akane demanded curtly, 'I don't believe that it can taste _that_ good.'

"Um, ok, Akane." Ranma said a bit hurriedly, 'I wonder why she's so angry.' 

Akane and Ukyo exchanged glances before digging into the oatmeal. Ukyo's eyes seemed to glaze and were filled with ecstasy at the taste of the oatmeal, while Akane's opened wide in horror.

"It's not fair!!" Akane wailed as she ran down the street towards the dojo, crying a stream of tears that would rival her father's. 'How can she cook such great tasting food without so much as a cookbook, and I can't even make edible cookies with thirty recipes!' She thought as her bowl settled to the ground.

Genma was curious, it didn't seem to be having any ill effect, but then again he would expect that it would be on par with Akane's cooking. Stooping down he took a spoonful of the oatmeal Akane had left and cautiously took a bite, promptly passing out from unimaginable pain and suffering as his tongue figuratively tried to kill him, his bowels melted, and his stomach tied itself in a knot to try to prevent the passage of the offensive material, failing miserably.

Ranma couldn't imagine what it tasted like so he served himself, and as Ranma tasted the oatmeal he thought it was quite good, despite the odd ingredients he'd put in it. The spinach, onion, and carrots under-cut and enhanced the avocado, strawberry, and maple syrup, resulting in a unique flavor that was actually quite good. 'This can't be right' Ranma thought, getting ready to sample one of his sandwiches.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ryoga dragged Genma, Ranma and their groceries toward where he thought the dojo was while Genma groaned and tried to thrash about but was hardly able to move his limbs and Ranma was groaning something about peanut-butter and mayonnaise. 'I wonder what's wrong with them.' Ryoga thought as he crossed the street and turned towards the cat café, it being in the opposite direction from the dojo. 'This place looks familiar… although I don't know why, and what's with the sudden feeling of dread?'

""Airen!" Shampoo shouted when she saw Ryoga, and his knees almost buckled when he heard it.

"Sh-Sha-Shampoo!" was all that Ryoga could manage.

Ranma was starting to come to, and wasn't at all sure if he was as he saw Shampoo throw her arms around Ryoga. 'Well, at least it isn't me.' he thought, until a spark of memory recalled what he'd read in that diary earlier. 'Wait… if Ryoga defeated Shampoo, then...' 

"I'm free!!" Ranma didn't care that he was in a girl's body as he danced around for the sheer joy of it. 'No engagement to Akane! No engagement to Shampoo! No engagement to Ukyo!' Ranma thought in a state of bliss, 'I'm free! So what if everybody else thinks I'm a girl if I know I'm not, at least I'm free!'

"What stupid boy-girl problem?" Shampoo asked, staring at Ranma.

"Girl-boy? What do you mean by that?" Ryoga asked, so confused that, he didn't notice how Shampoo was embracing him, because if he had he would probably faint.

The point, and question were moot, when Shampoo kissed him and he fainted anyways.

It was then that Ranma say Shampoo kiss Ryoga and he felt a pang of empathy, but not nearly enough to actually do anything to help him.

"Well, come on pops, let's leave these two lovebirds alone." Ranma said as he grabbed his father and the groceries, 'Now why does that sound so familiar?' Ranma wondered as he began to drag his loads back to the dojo not realizing that those same words had been applied to himself and Ryoga not that long ago.

As Ranma turned the block Ryoga woke up with a "What? Where? Gya!!" He pried himself from shampoo and ran as fast as his legs could carry him, fervently praying for some way out of the mess when there was a flash of lightning and rumbling of thunder.

"Oh no!! Not now!" Ryoga screamed to God as he ran, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to have those thoughts about Ranma!" Ryoga silently added, 'It's not like I could either, I'd die from blood loss if I did that.' Ryoga felt his nose threaten to bleed at the image in his head.

The lightning flashed again and Ryoga jumped in surprise. If that wasn't a devine warning he didn't know what was. Maybe he should become a preacher or Rabi or something... at the sound of Shampoo's voice he revised the list, 'A priest! A catholic priest, it's forbidden for those guys to get married!'

Ryoga was so wrapped up in thought that he tripped over his pack and clothes where he'd been hit by a kid's stray water-balloon as Azusa was walking by. Ryoga shuddered at the thought of Azusa's name and hurriedly grabed his backpack and the clothes that were there and ran as fast as he could, or tried to anyway.

Shampoo had caught up to Ryoga and had, well, caught him and was now saying sweet Chinese nothings in his ear and, as Ryoga blushed when Shampoo said she liked his other pants better because they were tighter than the ones he was wearing now, vowed to only wear old Army surplus pants.

Ryoga struggled to free himself once again from the Chinese Amazon, but to no avail, when he thought up a plan that made him smile evilly. 'How could anyone love a pig?' Ryoga thought as he raced to find some cold water. He ran down street after street seeing old dumpsters, garbage piles, lawns, trees and bushes. 'Why can't I ever find cold water when I need it!?' Ryoga fiercely thought, completely forgetting about the canteen strapped to the side of his pack, and continued running with all his might while thinking of that fateful day when he was cursed to be a pig.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Sigh.* 'I'm lost again. I was hoping that I could find Ranma today but… I'm lost, again.' Ryoga muttered to himself not really paying attention to where he was or where he was going, if he didn't know where he was then it didn't mater which way he went. 'Dam it! Why did Mr. Saotome have to take her to China? I was almost at the back lot when they left, if only I had gotten there a day earlier I could have told her how sorry I am at what happened in school… I might even be able to tell her that I, uh, like her.' Ryoga is so lost in thought that he doesn't notice that he's passed a young redheaded girl, a tall Chinese boy with thick glasses, a Chinese guide, and Mr. Saotome.

Ryoga thought about why he was here, 'I got lost when Ranma needed me and I wasn't there to stop Gyoko from beating her up! ' Ryoga groung his teeth when he thought of Gyoko and her incessant bulling of Ranma, she'd never done anything to deserve it, and yet it seemed that he was always there to stop Gyoko from even thinking of hurting her. 'My dad told me to watch out for and take care of Ranma, and I couldn't… I was her best friend and I couldn't help her!' Ryoga felt the burn of shame and despair, at this rate he would never find Ranma and he would never be able to apologize for getting lost when she needed him. 'I was starting to think that maybe she would want to be more than friends… but if I can't even be her friend than how am I supposed to be more!'

It was a few moments before Ryoga realized he was in a village of some sort. He couldn't seem to be able to find his way out of one alley between two rickety houses with a fence blocking both ends. 'How did I get in here!?'

When Ryoga finally made it out of the alley, he saw two figures fighting on a log. Staring he thought to himself, 'No, it can't be… is that Ranma? I need to get a better look.'

As Ryoga started forward he saw that it was indeed Ranma and as he watched her he saw her jump, flip, slip and fall. Ryoga moved with as much speed as he could, pulling out his umbrella to block the clubs that were about to bludgeon Ranma.

He stared a moment at the scene, he'd done it, he had saved Ranma! When he finally blinked, he saw the girl who had been about to hurt her and for a moment instead of seeing a Chinese Amazon saw Gyoko, the bully from school who'd beat up Ranma. One quick swipe of his umbrella sent the girl, Gyoko or whoever it was flying off the log. Ryoga didn't really care, she'd been about to hurt Ranma.

He turned to Ranma and asked her if she was ok. She said she was, so Ryoga struggled to apologize for being absent when he was needed but the words wouldn't come out and he was interrupted by some girl saying something along the lines of being defeated by her true love and husband. 'That's nice, true love, husband, because he beat you…' Ryoga's eyes got big as it suddenly clicked, she was calling him her husband because he'd defeated her. 'Oh, boy. Gotta go!' Ryoga thought as he turned-tail and ran from that crazy woman.

He was lost again, running still from the persistent Amazon girl. He looked up and saw a bunch of poles sticking out of pools or small lakes. 'Great, this'll lose her!'

Ryoga jumped up to a pole and jumped from pole to pole trying to evade the girl. When he had finally made it to the other side of the feild of poles he looked back and didn't see the girl. 'Whew! My luck must be getting better!' he thought as he turned and walked off, trying to get back to Japan before, or perhaps at the same time as Ranma did. He'd been traveling for several hours until the sun started to sink down to the horizon and he decided to make camp for the day.

Setting his pack down he set up camp and was going to get some water from the canteen strapped to the side of his backpack when he noticed some unique landscape he'd seen earlier that day. There were little banks of mist but it was still recognizable, the bamboo poles sticking out of the pools of water were quite unique. It didn't surprise him, but it was a bit disappointing, that he'd been traveling in circles for the past couple of hours.

Ryoga stood up and took several steps to the edge of the cliff he was on and looked out at the landscape, it was bleak yes, but it held it's own beauty. Ryoga's thoughts were interrupted by a noise that made him jump in startlement, a purple cat had just meowed. It was when Ryoga landed that everything had happened. The cliff broke away and he fell down into one of the pools below.

He was sure he was going to die when he found he couldn't swim, but at what seemed to him to be the last minute something had grabbed him and had taken him from the pool, only to prepare him for dinner he soon found out. That was the day Ryoga Hibiki became thrice cursed. Once for his sense of direction, twice for his shyness around girls, especially his true love, and thrice with the body of a pig.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ranma was just getting to the dojo when 'she' felt a sudden drop in barometric pressure, a sure sign of rain. 'No, not Rain! Oh, wait, I'm already in my girl body. I guess it doesn't matter if it rains now.'

Ranma turned as he heard the sound of feet running toward him and recognized Ryoga and Shampoo barreling down at him as cold rain burst from the clouds overhead with a vengeance. Ranma's eyes went wide in panic as he saw the cat and tried to run away. Unfortunately it was right into the closed door of the Tendo dojo.

Genma, barely conscious as he was, saw the cat as well, and exhibited a similar response, jumping to his panda feet, started trying to climb the wall, with the same amount of success as Ranma had in running away.

Oddly enough Ryoga had a similar reaction as well. 'Gya! You! You were the one responsible for my curse! If I didn't want to marry you before I bloody-hell absolutely don't wish to now!' Ryoga thought as he tried to run and escape his tormentor.

Unfortunately for the two Saotome men, Ryoga just kept running around them, being followed by Shampoo who scared the pants off the two martial artists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Authors Note: There's a friend of the family that eats peanut-butter and mayonnaise sandwiches. He swears that they're actually quite good, but I ain't touching one if I can help it. And no, the oatmeal simply magnifies what the person eating it believes it will taste like, so if you thought it would me good it would be great, if you thought it would be bad… then horrible wouldn't begin to describe your awful suffering and torment.

rookie-otaku365 - ::facefaults:: WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS IS GOING ON HERE!?!

If you are referring to the story style, then the answer is my *UNIQUE* , read: Warped & Twisted, sense of humor. If you are referring to the how and why-for of the story I refer you to the answer below.

dogbertcarroll - So how did they both switch sides at once?

The '_Spacial Disruption Artillery Shell_' disrupts reality in such a way that there is a transference of volume between two universes, e.g. spatial disruption. Think of it this way, you have two decks of hoyle cards, both the same except one deck has a red back and the other has a blue back. Now we choose a card to represent the Ranma of either universe, the Jack of Diamonds say, and switch them. The decks are complete and fully functional except that the Jack of Diamonds has the back of the other color indicating that it belongs in the other deck. Simple, no?

Comments & Criticisms are welcome.

efish@cs.nmsu.edu


	5. Please Don’t Feed Monsters

||Chapter 4|| Please Don't Feed Monsters

Akane was somewhat relived upon hearing Nabiki explain that Ranma and Ryoga had been fighting, she was, however upset that her sister had hidden it from her, in the hope that she could blackmail Ranma no less. It didn't surprise her that Nabiki would do it, she'd however had hoped better of her sister. 

'Ah, well it's no use trying to change what you can't.' Akane uncharacteristically thought with a sigh as she brought her cup of hot tea to her lips. "I see. I'm glad that it's all drug induced and that we have nothing to worry about because it'll wear off soon, _right_?"

Had the male Ranma been there he would have thought something along the lines of 'Uh-oh! Akane's acting calm… this can't be good.' As it was, the female Ranma that had taken his place was probably still in the dojo, trying to make plans for her approaching wedding.

"I mean, we don't have to worry about Ranma actually marrying Ryoga, _do we_?" Akane asked, placing her sister in the hot-seat.

"No, of course Ranma won't go through with the marriage." Nabiki stated just as both the person in question and Soun Tendo entered the room.

"Of course I'm going to 'go through' with the marriage to Ryoga!" Ranma excitedly declared to the room, finishing off with a cheerful "Sure daddy arranged it, but he's such a nice boy!"

Soun Tendo promptly turned purple at hearing this, and while vein that was bulging on his forehead couldn't bee good for his health, it added to the effect when he suddenly yelled "Saotome!!" thinking 'What did you do now!?' before he blacked out.

* * * * * * * * * *

In the public library Genma Saotome, of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, suddenly looked up from the book he was reading and, hitting his head on the table he was hiding under and winced slightly.

"That's odd. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a single voice suddenly cried out in terror and was suddenly silenced…" Genma thought aloud, staring at a point in space for a moment before returning to his reading, 'Oh well, I'm sure it was nothing. Nothing I need to worry about anyway'

* * * * * * * * * *

Sasuke, loyal manservant of the Kuno household, had been on a spying mission from his lord Kuno. The ninja had seen the odd proposal in the dojo when he'd been hiding in the ceiling looking down at the Tendos, Ranma, and that Hibiki boy. He now rushed along one of the city streets to inform his master of the disturbing debacle we'd just seen. It was quite probably the strangest thing he'd ever witnessed, and coming from someone in Ranma's life that was saying something.

'I wonder how master Kuno will reward my with this information?' Sasuke thought as we made his way to the Kuno estate when his belly rumbled in hunger. 'I wonder if master Kuno will finally give me some food…'

Sasuke stopped in his tracks, 'I need to eat sometimes, too. I'll tell master Kuno, but first lets see of this information can get me a meal… or two.' Sasuke thought, suddenly daydreaming about having, not one, but two meals in the same week… heaven on earth to the poor, starving, and somewhat underappreciated ninja retainer.

Sasuke snapped out of his day dream as his belly rumbled again, reminding him that the last real meal he'd had, not counting the cookie he'd found under the kitchen sink and the cucumber peelings in their trash, had been almost ten days ago. Looking up he saw a familiar sight, an okonomoyaki restaurant named after the proprietor, Uuchan's.

"Well, here's as good a place to start as any." Sasuke said to himself as he entered.

Moments later Ukyo was cooking with speeds that rivaled Ranma's 'Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken' technique. Slopping the nearly raw okonomoyaki in front of the diminutive ninja. "There! Now tell me what you know about this wedding of Ranma's!" She demanded in a way that left him in terror of a spatula hitting him upside the head.

"O-o-ok, j-just don't h-hurt me… p-please?" Sasuke pleaded until he saw her nod once.

"Ranma just suddenly proposed," Sasuke paled as he saw the grip tighten on her giant spatula and suddenly finished, discarding all the embellishments he'd been planning, "to Ryoga!"

Ukyo fell over as she heard that, "Ryoga!?" was all she could say for several moments while Sasuke explained the scene he'd observed, or tried to describe it anyway.

Ukyo was moving mechanically after he finished telling her, it would take a while for her mind to register it all. She looked down at Sasuke's plate, saw it empty and started to make oknomoyaki for him, forgetting that she'd already payed him.

Needless to say when Sasuki finally left Uuchan's he was quite full and had even saved some of the oknomoyaki for later, it wouldn't do for him to get so caught up in the moment that he starved himself to death in the future.

'Wow, those okonomoyaki were great, and they were even better cooked!' Sasuke thought as he walked slowly toward the kuno estate, stuffed for the first time in close to ten years when he saw the Cat Café, he wasn't hungry at all, but maybe he could arrange a deal for food at a later date when he was.

Changing his direction he made his way to the café. The Amazons were, if anything, more possessive of Ranma than Ukyo was, in his opinion and they would almost certainly give him a week's worth of free meals for this information. Smiling at the thought of _seven_ meals in a week Sasuke tried to get the attention of of one of the Chinese people, "Excuse me?" He was nearly bowled over by Shampoo and Mousse as they rushed to serve their customers, who apparently didn't hear him.

"Excuse me?" Sasuke tried again, was bowled over as they rushed back, Shampoo to get more orders, and Mousse with a load of dishes.

"Excuse me!!" Sasuke finally shouted, drawing the attention of everyone in the café. While he was a bit embarrassed with having everyone looking at him, he continued with his announcement, stammering a little. "I-I have s-some information I'd like to sell… in e-exchange for food." 

The customers returned to their meals as Cologne came to do business with the small ninja, well almost all of them, Hiroshi and Daisuke were sitting at a nearby table and while Hiroshi was watching unobtrusively, Daisuke was straining his ears to hear what would undoubtably liven up their pathetically boring existence, which Daisuke had once described is as 'it's like were some sort of small background characters, with no lives of our own, in some epic story that revolves around Ranma.' Hiroshi had thought it an absurd idea, 'bit-characters… really?'

"Well now," Cologne said, smiling at the small ninja, "What makes you think I'd be interested in this information?"

"Ah, well, its about Ranma…" Sasuke started nervously. 'I hadn't realized how intense this old woman was. Its a bit frightening the way she's looking at me with those eyes.'

"Go on." was all that Cologne needed to say.

"Well… I just heard Ranma planning the wedding, next week." Sasuke gulped as he knew what would be coming next.

"Oh, so, son-in-law has finally decided to obey Amazon laws and marry Shampoo." Cologn half stated, half asked, "I'm so happy you've given us time to prepare."

Sasuke started, "Well, no, you see… Ranma's marrying Ryoga." Sasuke finished as Daisuke fell out of his chair, causing Sasuke and Cologne to look his direction and wonder if he'd been eavesdropping.

In an inspired move, Daisuke quickly shouted "You jerk Hiroshi!" as he threw a salt shaker into his friend's head, toppeling the other from his own chair.

Cologne smiled as she looked back to Sasuke, clearly the two boys were just fighting, as all young boys did. 'If I were two-hundred and fifty years younger…' Cologne thought as she looked at Daisuke's rear again before continuing her conversation with Sasuke.

"Ryoga, you don't say?" Cologne asked with a calmness she didn't especially feel, but then at her age it wasn't particularly wise to get oneself riled up. 'This would be news indeed, but I'll wager he's just making things up to try'n get free food.'

'How can she be taking this so calmly?' Sasuke thought to himself. "Um, yes… now about my food…"

"Two lunches a week, for a year." Cologne said calmly, adding the qualifier "If it turns out to be true." Cologne dismissed the diminutive ninja as she returned to the Cat Cafe's regular business, thinking 'Lord knows the Kunos treat him badly enough, but I really can't condone such dishonesty.'

* * * * * * * * * *

Sasuke reached the Kuno estate elated, the thought of food for a year was mind-boggling to the ninja. 'But wasn't it rather unfaithful of you to sell this information to others first?' Sasuke asked himself.

'No, of course not!' Sasuke replied, 'It's not like we won't tell him about this strange turn of events.'

'But, it's master Kuno! He should have been the first to know.' Sasuke responded, 'we could have still sold it to the others, if only after giving the information to master kuno.'

'But then that overblown buffoon would run around town wailing "my beloved pig-tailed girl" or something along those lines ruining any chance of your selling the information, and you wouldn't be any better off now, would you?'

'Well, no, I suppose…' Sasuke suddenly realized, to his own mortification, that he was agreeing with that treasonous little voice. 'Oh, no! I've got to find master Kuno and beg his forgiveness!' Sasuke broke into a run, all the while thinking of worse and worse outcomes of his meeting with Tatewake Kuno, until he finally reached his beloved master, falling on his face with a "Master Kuno!!"

Tatewake Kuno, oftentimes called the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, though only by himself, turned away from the two posters on the wall to see what Sasuke wanted, wondering for a moment what could be more important than the pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo.

Sighing, Kuno looked back at the posters while Sasuke babbled, whatever it was could wait until he had made a decision. Akane Tendo or the pig-tailed girl… they were just so… 'Argh!! What cruel fate is this? Why must I be tormented to have two true loves? Thought in truth I am more than enough for the both of them! But still, a decision must be reached!' Gritting his teeth, Kuno tried, he really did to make a decision. He would never admit it to anyone, but he was terrified of making the wrong decision. Every time he was about to settle on one he would envision it being better with the other and so would change his mind again. This was some cruel trick of fate, it had to be, to plague him, Tatewake Kuno, with indecisiveness. Sighing lord Kuno put the argument and the definitive decision away for a later date, he would listen to what Sasuke had to say now. 'At least I will be able to act decisively on the news he brings.'

"Sasuke, tell me your report, and this time do it so I can understand you." Kuno said cooly, completely missing the point that Sasuke could have been speaking clearly all along while he wasn't paying attention.

Looking up from his abasement Sasuke blurted out "The pig-tailed girl, master Kuno, she's getting married!" He had said it bluntly and it had condensed his report into one sentence, but on the other hand it got master Kuno's attention.

"WHAT!?" Kuno yelled, nearly blowing away his small manservant with the sheer force of the yell. "When, and to whom!?"

"N-next week, Master Kuno." Sasuke said, trying not to grimace as he added asprin to the list of things to get, "To Ryoga Hibiki."

Kuno's jaw dropped as he imagined his pig-tailed goddess, beautifully dressed no doubt, marrying that puny peasant, well he wasn't puny, but that didn't diminish the fact that he wasn't good enough for the fiery-haired vixen. Grabbing Sasuke by his clothes Kuno demanded to know where the redheaded girl was.

"The Tendo dojo, master Kuno." Sasuke replied, not even finishing the word 'master' before Kuno was rushing off to rescue her from the plights he knew she must be in to wed that Hibiki fellow.

[Commercial Break: Ryoga is wandering a maze of bookshelves, always keeping his right hand on one of the shelves. The camera zooms out and above to show that he keeps walking around the same bookshelf.]

[Commercial Return: Ryoga get's fed up with the library's incomprehensible maze of books in straight rows and starts Baksai Tenketsuing through bookshelves. Getting carried away he hits a fish tank that is above Genma's hiding place, causing water to spray everywhere. When it clears P-Chan stares remorsefully while the panda just glares at him.]

"Ryoga Hibiki!! Wherefor durst thou steal the heart of the beautiful pig-tailed girl away from your upstanding betters!? Prepare thyself to pay dearly for your insubordinate transgressions!" Tatewake Kuno yelled as he burst through the door bokken at the ready.

Everyone stared at Kuno for a moment until Nabiki calmly asked "You're going to pay for that door, right, Kuno baby?"

"Of course I am." Kuno replied calmly, then turned to Ryoga with an angry shout of "Thinkest thou canst have the beauteous red-haired, tree-born, kettle girl without a fight?"

Ryoga looked up at him, blinking as he tried to make sense of Kuno's muddled speech with his muddled head. "I'm not sure, could you ask me that again?"

Kuno was caught off balance for a moment so he thought about it, 'It would not be becoming of such a noble and honorable man as myself to snap at those pitiful creatures of less intellect than I.' Then replied. "You must take her from me in fair and honorable combat or you are nothing but a thief!"

Ryoga caught the combat and thief parts, "I'm no thief!" Ryoga shouted as he loosened a headband to try to think better, his head was pounding right now.

Recognizing Ryoga's fighting style, Kuno leapt into action swinging his wooden sword at Ryoga's head.

Ranma gasped, fearing for her dear Ryoga's safety, Kasumi let out one of her trademark "Oh, dear!"s and Akane just sighed as she sipped her tea, she'd expected this as soon as Kuno had burst through the door.

Ryoga stumbled out of the war of the swing, trying to get the headband in his hand to respond to his razor-cloth technique. Dodging the wooden sword several more times before giving up on the limp piece of cloth in his hand Ryoga had quite unintentionally led Kuno out the back and was heading straight for the fish pond.

Kuno couldn't believe it, the Hibiki boy was dodging his attacks and waving his bandana in what was an obviously mocking gesture toward Kuno's own bokken. Yelling in rage as he leapt into the air to gain more force for his downward strike Kuno was totally unprepared for what happened next. There he was one second, and gone the next as he fell back into the koi pond, kuno followed soon after, pushing Ryoga's now empty clothes into the mud as he fell into the pond.

P-Chan climbed out of the other side of the pond, and while everyone was distracted ran into the dojo looking for his pack… or would have as he found himself in the kitchen.

"Where is he!?" Kuno asked loudly of everyone and no-one in particular. "Cures that sorcerer Saotome! I should have figured that Hibiki was his apprentice, the way he always disappears for weeks on end!"

While everyone was wondering what exactly had happened to Ryoga, nobody wanted to talk to Kuno in his state. He seemed to be losing what little grip on sanity he had, it really was a very tragic story.

As it was Ryoga didn't need to go back to the dojo to change back to a human. He thanked God that Kasumi had left the kettle on, it had been rather difficult to upend the kettle on himself but the little that did slop onto him was enough to transform him.

Ryoga was steamed now, even though he'd taken pains not to be seen getting out of the pool in front of Akane and that cute red-head, Kuno was still responsible for the incident, and he would pay, Ryoga angrily thought as he stalked out the door, kettle in hand, to face Kuno, forgetting for the moment that he was wearing only a bandana.

The moment Ryoga stepped out the door he was hit by a flying body, or rather used as a springboard by said body as it laughed a truly evil laugh sending shivers into everyone's bodies.

The vile little creature called out, with a voice that sounded like a cross between a frog and a goat, "Ranma!" Happosai yelled in a voice too dry and scratchy to be called a shriek, nonetheless it sent even worse shivers than previously caused by his laugh which was only as bad as the sound

caused by somebody scraping their fingernails across a chalkboard, oddly enough, as the perverted, shrunken, and obnoxious old man clamped onto Ranma's bosom.

Kuno, caught completely off guard by the newcomer, tried to register what was happening, he really did. After taking a calming breath he surveyed the situation, Mr. Tendo was looking on in abject terror as his three daughters tried to keep him from going into a full-blown panic, the old man was pressing his face into the pig-tailed girl's breasts, and there was Ryoga Hibiki was laying unconscious and naked on the ground next to the kitchen door with a tea kettle in his hand. Wait, what was that loathsome old, shriveled, creep doing!?

"Gya! What is this thing!?!" Ranma screeched, trying futilely to remove this strange old, coot that had suddenly assaulted her womanly goods. "Get it off, get it off… GET, IT, OOOOOFF!!"

Kuno twitched, for a moment, rage building up to levels that made Mr. Tendo look calm. "HOW DARE YOU!!" He shouted as he leapt toward the small figure, intending to rescue the damsel in distress.

All he got for his effort was Happosai's pipe in the gut and followed by an awful uppercut that sent him flying into the background. Happosai looked up at Ranma "What? Are you saying you don't love your master 'Happy' anymore?" Happosai looked like he was gong to cry, probably in happiness from all the despair and mortification rolling off of Ranma.

Ranma looked down at the vile loathsome _thing_ that had latched onto her. It was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen in her life, and she'd seen Akane's cooking,. She closed her eyes and screamed. "Help me Ryoga! Somebody, anybody… please help me."

Ranma was about two seconds from breaking down into uncontrollable tears when suddenly Happosai was knocked away with a loud metallic _Clang!!_ accompanying the flying martial artist. Ranma almost collapsed in relief as she looked into her rescuer's face. Ryoga stood there, the broken handle of the teakettle in his right hand and his left clutching the arms of his shirt holding it up as a makeshift loincloth.

Ranma jumped up to him and hugged him something fiercely as she kissed him full on the mouth, "Thank you Ryoga!" she said, still hugging the frozen martial artist.

As this was happening, Happosai pried himself out of the crater in the wall above the koi pond his impact had made, and promptly fell into the koi pond. "Why you!" was all that he said as he pulled himself out of the pool, clutching the bowl-like remnants of the teakettle. "Take this!" He shouted hurling the water into the kissing pair.

Everyone stared at one of the couple, Ryoga, Nabiki and Mr. Tendo at the now male Ranma, while Ranma, Kasumi and Akane stared at the black piglet 'he' was holding. Ryoga looked like he was trying not to turn blue.

"Ryoga!!" Akane and Ranma exclaimed at the simultaneously.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Authors Note: If you place your hand on the wall of a maze (or any room, for that matter) as you enter it and follow it along without lifting your hand you'll always find the exit… if you put your hand on a pillar or something else you effectively walk in circles.

Raen - This is a great story, I hope you update soon.

And

Verse12- I laughed so hard, this is a great fic. and I cant wait for more.

Ok, how's this? Soon enough? I hope you like it and I'm absolutely delighted to hear that you're enjoying what I've put up so far. However, I'm going to take it a bit easier on this fic and concentrate on the two others I'm doing now. (Yes! It's true, I'm working on another fic besides this one and "Ryoga's Wife", but I'm not going to post it until I get all the intros done… and maybe a couple of chapters as well.) That and I don't want to "burn myself out" on this one, I'm having too much fun writing it.

neminx - You made that shell theory up out of hole cloth didn't you?

What shell theory? The two decks example? Um, I don't understand… I'm so confused.

Comments & Criticisms are welcome.

efish@cs.nmsu.edu


	6. Libraries, Mallets, and Mental Instabili...

||Chapter 5|| Libraries, Mallets, and Mental Instabilities

"That… that… that PERVERT!!" Akane screamed.

The scene wasn't really all that unusual, Akane ready to pummel some poor male for some perceived slight, Ranma holding the black piglet with a bandanna, and everyone else watching the events unfold in anticipation of the upcoming fight.

The actual circumstances behind the scene were however quite unusual, if anyone had thought about it the day before they would have found them quite farfetched, Akane was ready to murder the piglet Ranma was holding, Ranma was actually defending the piglet, and the reason she wanted to kill said piglet was that he was Ryoga. She'd been sleeping with Ryoga! How could he!

"Ryoga... you idiot!" Akane screamed louder than she usually did when Ranma did something she… disapproved of. "And you, _you_, you!!" Akane summoned a mallet from wherever she kept the things and looked at Ryoga with the glint of murder in her eyes

Ranma looked down at the cute little piggy-Ryoga and said in a low voice "You'd better go and let me take care of this, ok?" Ranma flashed a loving smile at Ryoga before she set him down and let him run off to a safer local… something like an unexploded ordinance dumping ground or a nuclear weapons stockpile.

Akane watched Ranma let her prey go and in a typical Akane manner directed all the anger from the situation at Ranma. She pointed at Ranma anger causing the finger to shake visibly. "Why did you do that!?"

"Akane, I didn't know anything about all this! I swear!" Ranma looked taken aback, then continued to put her foot in her mouth in typical Ranmaesque manner, "Besides, do you think I'd just let you kill my fiancee? Why did you always force him to sleep with you anyway?"

"What do you mean forcing him? He always came to me!" Akane shouted at ever-increasing volumes.

"Well I guess I can't really blame you… I mean it _is_ the only way you'll ever get a guy." Ranma said flippantly, and instantly regretted the words, Akane may be a bit of a tomboy but she was still like a sister to Ranma. Ranma started to apologize but then realized that Akane had been sleeping with _her_ fiancee… and that just made her mad… how could she betray her like that, she'd thought of Akane a sister but sisters don't steal fiancees even if they were cursed to be a pig. "I'm marrying Ryoga and there's nothing you can do to stop me Akane!"

Akane didn't notice the wince on Ranma's face, she really couldn't as things began to take on a two-dimensional appearance and turn red… everything was red, not that it would help the redhead who was sputtering thing that didn't really matter right now. Her name came up several times but that didn't matter either as she closed in on the smaller girl. Akane pulled her mallet back preparing to execute a flying hammer smash, unfortunately the mallet caught the tray of hot tea Kasumi was bringing in at that moment, she'd had a feeling like there would need to be a second kettle of water for tea, just something about the day. Anyway you looked at it though the tea went sailing into the air and flinging about everywhere soaking almost everyone especially Ranma who promptly changed back into a girl.

"Wow!" Hiroshi said at the table, surprising Mr. Tendo and Nabiki who hadn't seen him come in along with Daisuke, "It really is true that Ranma's marring Ryoga!"

"What did you say?" Happosai jumped onto the table and was pointing his pipe at the boy as he interrogated him. "Did you just say that _Ranma_ is marrying _Ryoga_?"

"Yeah, that's what we heard." Hiroshi replied, as he was sitting next to the befuddled Daisuke.

"Hmmm. This could prove to be very, _very_, interesting." Happosai said with an evil gleam in his eye as he jumped down and turned to watch the fight that was happening between the two girls, not noticing the splash from the koi pond.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ryoga finally found the training hall after a trip to the kitchen, the bathroom, Nabiki's room, the broom closet, twice, and some motorcycle guy's garage. One of the more direct routes, he reflected, as usually there would be a forest or desert along with some military installation in his path.

Rummaging through his pack he thought about the turn for the weird that his life had take, first Ranma had been nice to him and actually seemed concerned about what happened to him, then Akane had found out about his secret and was angry at him like he knew she would be… but Ranma had smiled at him like that when he'd saved her from that pervert Happosai… and kissed him, too, what a kiss _that_ was.. Ryoga sighed as he waited for the water to heat up and started to lose himself in a daydream with a certain redhead replacing the usual Akane Tendo…

'Gah!! What am I doing, that was _Ranma_!! Ranma is a guy, that's just sick.' Ryoga thought at himself disgustedly and wanted to puke. He shuddered at the mental pictures that went through his head and felt a sick sinking feeling in his bowels. Could this be some sort of mental attack devised by Ranma? Some new and exotic martial art designed to use your enemy's own mind against them, like some sort of psychological warfare? Or did he dare let his heart hope that there was a cute red-headed girl that loved him despite his curse?

Ryoga shuddered at how that thought had snuck in there with the others and wished that he had hands so that he could grab his head… lacking hands he did the next best thing, something known in Nantucket as "_Sheet-Rock Roulette_", as he ran into the walls multiple times trying to find a load bearing support or stud to ease the pain inside his mind with pain in the head. The amazing thing was that nobody actually came in when they heard the repeated, semi-regular thunks of Ryoga putting his head through the walls of the training hall.

Ryoga stumbled on his four short legs as he finished the last run, a particularly solid stud had been hit head on and had banished all unwelcome thoughts as well as some of the ones he didn't mind. His head buzzed and whirled in blessed numbness. No thoughts of pretty red-headed girls or crushes who now hated him, just pleasant non-thought and existence. He stumbled some more as his head started to clear, there was something he had wanted, needed, to do that involved that red coffeepot on the fire next to his pack but for the life of him he couldn't remember exactly what.

Then it dawned on him, as the pain and throbbing caught up with him, that he needed to change back into his human form. It was the same as always when he'd get caught in an unexpected rain, or be splashed by a vehicle going through a puddle, or the embarrassing couple of times that he would never tell anyone about when he'd been daydreaming and walked straight into a stream or river. As always getting the hot water to change back was a difficult and monumental task, but one that he'd had lots of practice doing, over the course of his travels he'd developed a method that helped, though admittedly not by much.

Ryoga leapt at the top of the coffeepot aiming for the spout, twisting as he landed on it so that he was directly under the spout as it fell. Seconds later a naked ryoga lay sprawled on the floor of the dojo as hot water poured from the pot, burning his chest. It was much better to have the water too hot than too cold as it was quite difficult to fill the pot up even once as a pig, two and three times would wear at the patience of Job.

Ryoga got up and walked over to his backpack and began looking for some clothes. As he pulled the articles of clothing out his mind strayed to his feelings, his heart of glass, he took a deep breath and he thought that maybe he needed some time to sort things over. He would leave this place, get lost, and return at some random time, being away from both Akane and Ranma seemed like a good idea right now. Maybe that strange mental assault would be weakened and nullified by the time away… and maybe Akane would forgive him while he was away. Ryoga sighed as he realized the chances of that happening were about as good as him learning unaided flight.

Looking back around the training hall to make sure he hadn't left anything Ryoga turned and exited the dojo or tried to as he found himself looking in the broom closet again, he had a feeling this would take a while.

[Commercial Break: A chibi Ranma-chan is running away from an chibi Ryoga who is chasing her with a bouquet and tittle hearts following him. Ranma suddenly runs into a mirror that ripples like watter and Ryoga follows.]

[Commercial Return: Ranma-chan and Ryoga are dressed very nicely for what appears to be their wedding when the screen splits in two showing Ranma-chan daydreaming the scene with a content and preoccupied smile and Ryoga bolting out of his sleeping bag in a cold sweat and shuddering.]

Tatewake Kuno pulled himself out of the fish pond with more than a little disgust at the muck covering him from head to toe. He spat some of the fishy mud out of his mouth and swiped the mud out of his eyes. Kuno wasn't unaccustomed to meeting the dust it's just that this was wet, squishy, and slimy… someone would pay for this affront, Kuno thought as he pulled a fish out of his shirt and tossed it into the almost empty and now Kuno shaped fishpond and whirled to the back of the Tendo residence.

As Kuno stalked in he saw something that tore him in two most equal pieces, his pigtailed goddess was engaged in what looked to be mortal combat with the strong Akane Tendo. It wasn't fair, the pigtailed girl… or Akane Tendo? He couldn't let either of the two get hurt. 

Ranma summoned another mallet of her own to replace the one that had just been knocked from her grip by Akane. She yelled taunt of "You were always jealous of my cooking and now you're jealous of my fiancee, too!" and the two girls began again their dance of death, or at least retributive, semi-therapeutic pain as swings were dodged or blocked with other swings. 

"I must stop this travesty, before either the pigtailed goddess or Akane Tendo get hurt!" Kuno said as rushed into the Tendo residence tracking enough mud in to cause Kasumi to give the closest thing to a scowl anyone could remember in recent history.

"Shut up and sit down!" Happosai said as he thwacked Kuno on the head with his pipe.

Hiroshi and Daisuke wouldn't distracted from their observation as intent as they were watching Ranma and Akane, at least if they could help it. Hiroshi noted the movement from the corner of his eye and dismissed the chattering that was going on. Daisuke, however was siting closer and couldn't quite ignore it. "Kuno! Don't you know it's really uncool to interrupt a chick fight? Now shut up and watch!"

Happosai blinked in surprise at hearing his whole argument put so succinctly and almost elegant despite its rather harsh finish… this boy might have some potential. Sitting back down and watching Akane perform a good imitation of Donkey Kong's nemesis and arch-rival as she suddenly sprung on the offensive he leaned over and addressed to the boy sitting next to him "How do you feel about panties my boy?"

Kuno just stood there in shock, not only had the old man told him to not interfere but so had one of the underclassmen from Furinkan High… this would normally drive Kuno to anger but something didn't feel right and was tickling at the back of his mind. Then he had it, today fate had shown him the true path he should take regarding Akane Tendo and the pigtailed girl.

Kuno nodded in silent agreement with himself and then announced to the whole household. "For this day, fate shall conclusively determine which one, the mighty Akane Tendo or the bewitching pig-tailed girl, is deserving of Tatewake Kuno's unfathomable affection and shall be blessed with the affliction of my company, Forever!!"

Nabiki laughed, she couldn't help it, this was nearly as funny as when Kuno had wanted to give Ranma that cute dolly. So sudden and unexpected, at least this time she wasn't eating when he said it. "The affliction of my company!" she gasped for air but was unsuccessful as another wave of laughter escaped. 'That's just too rich!'

Kuno just scowled at her a bit before returning his gaze to the two combatants. Destiny was with him, for one would emerge the victor, and that one would be the one worth of someone as noble and righteous as Tatewake "Blue Thunder of Furinkan High" Kuno. Lightning flashed in the distance adding drama to his ongoing internal monologue.

* * * * * * * * * *

Genma's hands shook a little as he read the book, here it was the secret of the dreaded "Force of Will" technique, and what was causing his hands to tremble, the technique to guard against it. It was so simple, truly on the order of simplicity as the Cat Fist, but it didn't involve digging pits _or_ catching cats.

Quickly Genma got the paper and pencil out and began to copy the information contained in the book, there was no way he could get the book out without the librarian catching him, unless… no, that wouldn't work. Sighing, Genma redoubled his efforts at coping the information, the efforts of speed and concentration causing sweat to build up and roll down his forehead and into his eyes. He blinked to clear them, this would be no time to misread the only hope for his son to be saved from this devastating maneuver.

When Genma finished twenty minutes later he stood with the book and the paper in hand and said to himself "I've got to get to the dojo immediately!" as he started running through the library, quietly and stealthily as all his martial arts training could muster, though heaven knew it probably wouldn't be enough if one of 'them' caught him. He shuddered at the thought of being caught by a librarian, and then pushed the horrible thought out of his mind tin order to concentrate on his mission.

He dropped the book on a table of books to be reshelved and continued on his way making turns almost at random he knew there was an exit around here somewhere… hey didn't that table of books to be shelved look familiar?

'Oh no! Not now!' Genma thought frantically as he looked about for some other route to take out of this maddening and incomprehensible maze. 'I'm lost!' he thought frantically looking for that exit, but failed as he only found the book-laden table again. "Where on Earth am I!?" he screamed to the heavens… then realized his mistake, the library was not the place to yell like that, and the librarians were sure to come after him with a vengeance now.

Genma snuck around trying to stay out of sight of everyone and get his bearings so he could find an exit and failing to find it he felt true terror creep up on him, which is why he jumped when someone said his name from right behind him.

Genma whirled around falling into a defensive stance and relaxing only when he saw Dr. Tofu. "Dr. Tofu?! What are you doing here?" Genma asked in a harsh whisper, not wanting to draw the attention of the librarians.

"What do you mean Mr. Saotome? I'm here for a book!" Dr. Tofu held up a book and smiled in that warm reassuring way that put patients at ease, Genma was worked up about something, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. "By the way did you hear Ryoga, I'm sure I heard him yell from somewhere around here…" Dr. Tofu trailed off as he looked around for the eternally lost boy.

Genma laughed nervously, he didn't really want to let anyone know he'd lost his nerve like that… he would never live it down in the martial arts community, even given the rather extenuating circumstances of being in the public library. "N-no, I don't think that he's here Doc."

"Oh," The doctor looked like he was going to say something but decided against it and, after a rather awkward pause he looked at Genma nervously trying to watch in all direction and asked "Are you alright?" The other man looked like a spooked child trying to find the needle that he knew was coming from the doctor but never did because it was just a cold.

"Well, not really I've got to get to the dojo… I've found some crucial information that Ranma will need to counter the latest ancient technique the Amazons have pulled out of their hat."

Now Dr. Tofu was more than intrigued, he practiced martial arts more as a hobby, but still looking at Genma he could see that the man was quite concerned. Concerned, stressed, nervous, and with the way he kept squeezing his left hand probably pinching a nerve.

"Well, I guess you can come with me, we'll catch a cab back to the dojo." Dr. Tofu offered as he turned to go check the book out, a science fiction novel by the rising star of the international literary community, the Red Fire of NMSU, E. Fish. There was an dramatic burst of flame from nowhere to underscore the thought. 'That was weird… I wonder if I can do it agin…' Dr. Tofu thought for a moment before deciding not to try, something might actually catch on fire if he tried and he didn't want to be responsible for burning down the library.

"Wait for me!" Genma called in his harsh whisper, racing after the doctor. He knew that if he lost sight of the man he could very well never leave this accursed place. Genma finally caught up and fell into step behind and to the left of the doctor trying to keep a close eye on the doctor, watch out for any librarians, and avoid being seen by everyone all at once. He failed at the last two but those would be moot points if he lost the doctor and spent the last of his days starving in the philosophy section or, if fate was being really ironic, the cooking section.

Genma's hunched waddling dash from shelf to shelf immediately caught the librarian's attention. Suspicious didn't even begin to describe the bald guy, it was definitely something to check into.

"Ahem! What do you think you're doing?" she addressed the man, using the stare that the most effective mothers, teachers, and yes, librarians had used for countless generations.

Genma froze and stared, he suddenly felt a kinship with all deer that had been hit while staring at the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. It wasn't actually all that bad, sure he looked extraordinarily foolish and his certain doom was closing in, but that didn't matter right now because his mind was strangely focused, enchanted one might say, by the unique beauty of his destruction approaching.

The librarian came up to him like a specter and carefully inspected her quarry. The man seemed to be dressed like a martial artist with that white karate gi, but the way he moved nervously and like a frightened child seemed to be in conflict with that impression, perhaps he was a wannabe or martial arts fan. Lord knew that there were some schools of martial arts that were going extinct. The paper he clutched was screaming to her well trained librarian senses. "What is that?" she asked and pointed to the hand.

Genma watched his hand rise with a morbid fascination, by all rights he should eat the sheaf of paper and then the librarian would have no proof… but he couldn't seem to make the move before she snatched the sheaf of papers out of his hand. If only he had been quicker, if only he hadn't let the librarian see him, if only he could save his son… Genma wanted to cry, so much time and effort lost, and now his life was forfeit, dying of thirst just when the rain broke.

The librarian ruffled through the sheaf of papers looking at the hastily scribbled notes. "I see. You must be doing research on Martial Arts. You know we _do_ have a resident expert that can help you the next time you come in." The librarian said with a friendly smile that made Genma want to scream in terror for a second until he realized it was a _friendly_ smile.

* * * * * * * * * *

Dr. Tofu could barely suppress a laugh as Genma followed him into the waiting cab. The older martial artist had been in absolute terror when the librarian had approached him. Dr. Tofu would never have thought that Genma, of all people, would have a phobia of libraries… was there even a _name_ for that phobia? Dr. Tofu wondered as he helped Genma into the cab.

"`ere'll it be, gents?" the driver said in an accent that was impossible or Dr. Tofu to place.

"So you know where the Tendo dojo is?" Dr. Tofu asked the man.

"Sure do, I'll have you there before you can recite the American pledge of allegiance." The driver said with a rouge-like smile, that twinkled mischievously.

"Are you willing to make that a bet?" Dr. Tofu had gone to the States for two years as a part of a medical student exchange program, his English had been quite good when he left but when he returned he could speak it almost like a native… better than some of the natives actually, and that was the sad truth.

The cab driver looked him over a moment and then winked as he agreed. "Double or nothin'?" He asked.

"Sounds good to me." Tofu sat back and took a breath to prepare, "Ready when you are."

"Go!" Genma said, spurring both of the other men into action. The cab flew off at speeds that Genma thought were better left to aircraft as the doctor rattled off the pledge… it was close, really close. The cab lurched to a stop just as the doctor said "and justice for", close as it was the winner was clearly the driver. Genma idly wondered if he'd broken the laws of physics with those ninety degree turns.

Dr. Tofu was surprised that he'd actually lost this bet, but he was a man of his word and paid the driver twice what the meter showed. It was when he turned back around to follow Genma inside that he was nearly bowled over by what appeared to be a human projectile.

Dr. Tofu found himself looking at Ryoga who seemed like a drowning man holding onto a piece of flotsam . "Dr. Tofu! Dr. Tofu!" the youth kept repeating. The doctor looked down and hoped that Ryoga hadn't had a relapse or flashback to the trauma that he'd experienced a while ago.

"I need your help!" Ryoga said after he'd calmed down a bit. "I… I..." he started to say something but seemed completely unable to finish it. 'Why can't I say it?' Ryoga thought to himself 'I need help! But Ranma was so nice to me as P-Chan this time… Gah!'

"Calm down Ryoga, tell me what happened." Dr. Tofu smiled reassuringly to Ryoga, and partly because he'd put money into the local betting pool going around with all the doctors as to which of Nermia's resident (or transient in the case of Ryoga) martial artists would be the first to seek professional help… on a psychological level, that was. The pot was up to almost thirty-two thousand yen and he could sure use that money… it would definitely help him get some newer equipment that he'd had his eyes on for the past month.

Ryoga took a deep breath and finally spat it out, but not before his right eyebrow twitched. "I was kissed!"

"That doesn't sound too bad…" Dr. Tofu thought out loud wincing as he saw Ryoga's eyebrow twitch again as he sputtered trying to say something.

"P-Chan, Akane, murderous, kiss…" Ryoga collapsed in hysterics, his right eyebrow twitching as if that part of his face wanted to dance. It would have been amusing if it weren't something like this, Ryoga thought, 'I've been wanting to kiss a girl like that for a long time now… but it had to be Ranma!!' Ryoga didn't even notice the cab that had pulled up to the dojo had returned, or the woman exit it. 'At least he was in his female form when he kissed me…' Ryoga found some bitter solace in that irony.

Dr. Tofu however, had not failed to notice the pretty woman step out of the car and march straight into the dojo carrying a elongated wrapped bundle. Dr. Tofu also noticed that when the sun hit her brown hair in a certain angle it appeared a fiery red. 'I wonder why she looked familiar...' he thought as he turned his attention back to Ryoga and tried to do something to help him when he heard a shriek from the dojo.

* * * * * * * * * *

Moments before the scream, in the living room of the Tendo residence, things had calmed down to the point where Akane and Ranma were both panting heavily and barely able to lift their mallets. The only indication of how long they'd actually been fighting was the smashed and wrecked furniture in the room.

The observers were still there, though there had been several close calls as one would jump on the table for a moment and the other would come in with a flying mallet-smash. It was amazing that the table had withstood that kind of punishment, but then again it _had_ stood up to braining Ranma when he'd first arrived so it had to be sturdy. Genma had long since fainted and was being cared for by Kasumi. Nabiki was thinking of how she could get Ranma to lose without it being obvious interference, it _would_ net her the most money after all. Hiroshi and Daisuke were listening to Happosai tell them about some of his adventures and what great students they could be. Kuno was intently watching the fight, internally cheering for Akane and his pig-tailed goddess alternately and simultaneously, he just hoped that fate would decide soon as he was getting kind of hungry.

There was a small stir as Genma Ran in yelling that he'd found the counter technique for some dreaded "Farce of Will" or something. It was in this dstracted moment that Akane got a solid hit on Ranma knocking ter into a sitting position where she wobbled for a few moments before squeezing her eyes shut against the pain.

Kuno jumped up and embraced the victor, Akane, having no strength or energy with which to fight back had to endure Kuno's declaration of unending love.

Nabiki grinned, she hadn't had to do anything at all.

Hiroshi, Daisuke, and Happosai noted that the battle was over and all left as soon as they saw Ranma wasn't going to just get up. Happosai leading Hiroshi and Daisuke like a mother duck would two prized ducklings.

Kasumi watched the newly formed trio exit and had the sinking feeling that there wouldn't be a single pair of feminine underwear all of Nermia when they were finished… or all of Tokyo at the end of the month. She idly wondered, not for the first time, about wether or not she should invest in at least some boys boxers, sure they weren't exactly proper, but with Happosai around, desperate times called foe desperate measures they said.

Genma had picked Ranma up and was trying to share the secret defense he'd found and Soun was just waking up when the woman walked in.

"No-No-Nodoka!" Genma sputtered, eyeing the bundle she was carrying, then looked back at his son, er, daughter and started to sweat. She'd definitely want to know where Ranma was.

Ranma just stood there starring blankly at… her mother, ranma tried to say something but as she worked her mouth no sound would come. Nodoka opened her mouth to say something when she was interrupted by Ranma's scream, which was followed by a softer "M-mom? But you're dead."

Genma simply noded once and held up a sign, although he was still in human form it seemed oddly appropriate as it read "No, I'm dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Materia-Blade - Heh heh heh... Akane go boom... Heh heh.

Precisely, though I hope I put a bit of a fun twist in there for you. If anyone saw the Ranma/Akane fight over Ryoga coming good job… I hadn't actually planned it until Chapter three.

EternallyLost -Two words. Spiffy. And savvy. Because they're cool words.

They certainly are. I'm particularly fond of spiffy myself, although Chaos is a great substitution for "hell". "Damn it to Chaos!" and "What in Chaos!?" and would have to rate a little higher than savvy on my cool-o-meter.

anss123 - Great chapter, I wonder if the Nermians notices Ranma's turning male with cold water

I think they got the point, especially after Ranma turned female again with the hot tea, but what _are_ they going to do about it?

dogbertcarroll - LOL. Great chapter. Nice use of Sasuke and the hentai twins!

Thank you, I had that chapter all planned out after I wondered how I could spread the Chaos around effectively, then it hit me, use the eternally hungry spy. Thus effectively giving Sasuke his own chapter. In retrospect I think I might have done it a bit better, but I'm not going to rewrite it anytime soon. I mean I'm sure you'd all want mt to work on the next chapter right? Surprise! I have major portions of that one done. I'll probably post it next week and concentrate on getting the first chapter of _The Angst Team_ done… although I have a feeling they're going to be a bit on the big side.

Chris Stalis - Akane stated in Ranma-chan's universe that she was almost like a sister to ranma. [snip] Did Genma have other children, or is this form of siblingness more like how really old friends refer to each other as brother/sister? If it's being intentionally vague there, then I look forward to seeing what the truth really entails :) good fic.

Thank you, actually I wasn't really planning on being all that vague. The next chapter should clear up your question.

Verse12 - I am really enjoying this though, and I thought it was interesting to note how female ranma didn't know happy. So the next chapter will be focusing on male ranma? I like the idea of switching from chapter to chapter or however works best for you. I like both story arcs and cant wait to see how you deal with the two Ranmas. keep up the good work. Later :)

Well, I had originally planed to this chapter as the next chapter, but I decided to swap them around. I'll think about reveling the secret of Happosai's absence, or then again, maybe I'll just give some hints at it. I'm glad you're enjoying my story, and I hope everyone else enjoys it and keeps enjoying it. Later! :)

Comments & Criticisms are welcome.

efish@cs.nmsu.edu


	7. Life In The Pits

||Chapter 6|| Life In The Pits

AKA "The Boring Chapter You Should Skip"

*Whump!* Kasumi looked up from her cookbook, something had just hit the front door, hard by the sound of it. 'I wonder what that was.' Kasumi thought as she got up and made her way to the front door.

Kasumi was about to open the door when she heard frantic or panicked shuffling outside, followed by a cry like a cat followed shortly by another and then sounds and vibrations like a tank battalion crashing through the front wall… 'Oh my! What was that?'

Kasumi waited a good fifteen minutes, waiting until she heard only silence, then opened the door to reveal what looked like a battlefield. Significant portions of the front wall were demolished, two trees had been uprooted or broken into firewood, and there were bodies in the rubbish. A pig, cat, panda, and Ranma as a girl, but they were bodies nonetheless, and all were being soaked by the torrential downpour. It looked like some World War Two movie scene… except in color, and without G.I.s or Nazis.

'Oh dear! I think Dr. Tofu might want to have a look at the Saotomes." Kasumi said to herself as she examined their battered bodies. 'I wonder why Ranma hasn't changed… maybe her curse has worn off.' She thought as she caught sight of some movement to the left.

"Oh father!" Kasumi called out to Soun Tendo who was returning from his city council meeting with an umbrella in one hand and several important looking papers in the other. He looked up, saw what had been done to his home, and let out a wail of despair.

* * * * * * * * * *

Soun looked at Genma intently, the other man was obviously contemplating something as he held the cup of hot tea. Dr. Tofu had given both the Saotomes a clean bill of health earlier, and while Ranma was upstairs taking a hot bath, half of Dr. Tofu's diagnosis wouldn't last if Genma kept being unresponsive and avoiding the question. "So now, what happened Saotome?"

Genma sighed as he set the tea on the table then pushed his glasses back on his nose before staring into space, remembering… "It all started years ago, when Ranma was about five or six, before Nodoka died."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Genma heaved another shovelful of dirt out of the hole he was standing in over his shoulder. 'This is tougher than I expected, after three hours I'm only at a meter, the halfway point.' Genma chuckled a bit at the old 'half-a-hole' joke and looked up as a small child burst out of the back door into the backyard where he was working.

"Hi daddy!" The small redheaded girl said, simply oozing excitement and happiness as only a child can. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Ranma it's 'What are you doing?', now say it right." Genma said, grunting as the shovel struck another stone.

"Ok, what are you doing, daddy?" Ranma said without pause.

"I'm digging a hole for some martial arts training… I found a training book and it looked like an easy new technique." Genma said, resting a bit as he leaned on his shovel looking at his smiling daughter.

"Oh! Yay! Can I help?" Ranma asked, the hope plainly written on her face.

"Hmmm… I don't think you can." Genma said laughing a bit.

"Please daddy!" Ranma said, looking on the verge of tears.

"Well… ok, can you get daddy a drink of cool water?" Genma replied, he was just too soft on the girl, she was just too sweet and innocent to really refuse, well anything that was unreasonable anyway. He still couldn't believe that he'd talked her out of wanting a pony, heck by the end of the 'argument' he had half a mind to go looking for one. Not because he wanted to spoil her or anything, discipline was a different story, but he didn't want to disappoint her. He was still a bit unsure of what kind of relationship a father and daughter shared, but it was doubtless special.

Ranma came running out of the house with a joyful "Here daddy!", tripped and fell, splashing Genma with the cool water. She looked up with tears in her eyes and started to cry, not because she was physically hurt or anything, but because she had gotten her daddy wet and now he might be mad at her.

"Thank you Ranma!" Genma laughed a bit, "I needed to cool down a bit, that's just what I was going to do anyway."

It wasn't the truth he was going to drink it, but it wasn't really a lie either, the water was cool enough that it felt great on his exertion heated flesh, he just hadn't thought of doing it. Besides, who could be mad at such a cute little girl?

"There, there… Daddy loves you, don't cry." Genma pulled himself out of the hole with a grunt ans sat down next to Ranma who'd been torn between believing that her father wasn't angry and her own fears. It was the hug he gave her that stopped the tears. "Ranma, I'll always love you!"

Ranma smiled at hearing it, she knew it, but it was good to hear again and she couldn't help a happy giggle when he asked about kitty cats. "Sure, I can catch kitties. I caught patches, right?" Ranma asked as she pointed to the big tomcat whose fur pattern so matched his name.

Genma laughed a bit at that, Nodoka had been perturbed to no end when Ranma had brought the cat home one afternoon several month ago. "Yes, yes you did. But daddy doesn't want to use Patches in this training, he's too special…" Genma said, he didn't know if the cat would actually be in any danger, but something inside said that he might, and Ranma would be so upset if something did happen to Patches. "So could you get all those cats that hang around old lady Mina's house?"

"Sure daddy!" Ranma said with the energy and excitement that would have frightened the cats had they seen it and known what it meant for them. "I can go get them right now!"

"Wait Ranma! Where will you put them all?" Genma asked the little girl as she squirmed to go get the cats.

Ranma blinked, "Um… I don't know."

Genma nodded, "Well, I guess I'll have to build a pen for you to put them in later."

"Can I help?" Ranma asked, again in her sweet and good-natured manner.

Genma laughed as he started to get a few two-by-fours and a hammer to build a frame that would later be covered with chicken-wire, thus improvising a cage. "Sure Ranma, can you hand me the nails?"

* * * * * * * * * *

Nodoka glowered at Genma… really what had he been thinking digging the backyard up like that and that rickety looking cage was probably a health hazard waiting to happen, and look at Ranma's dress, that was the second one this month that had been stained. 'I swear, he'd be better off raising a boy!'

"And just what _are_ you going to use that pit for. Genma _darling_?" Nodoka virtually spat out.

The sarcastic emphasis on the term darling didn't go unnoticed by Genma. "Ah, well, you see honey, I found a training book and wanted to try the training." Genma laughed a bit hoping to settle Nodoka's wrath a bit. "I was going to fill it up after I finished, I swear!"

Nodoka shot him a glare that would have caused him to burst into flames had she had laser-vision. "You'd better fill it up! Before I get back from my business trip to Hokkaido." Nodoka sighed, Genma had the uncanny ability to worm his way out of situations that would cause him bodily harm, even though he _was_ a fairly accomplished martial artist. "And don't you dare let Ranma ruin another one of her dresses!" She finished glaring venom at Genma.

"Ye-y-yes dear." Genma said a bit shakily, when Nodoka glared like that at him it usually meant that she was fairly pissed and probably would take it out on him… painfully so with a couch as uncomfortable as the one in the basement, there was no way she'd let him use the semi-comfortable one in the livingroom.

* * * * * * * * * *

Genma screeched again, trying to get his back to pop and relive that awful pinching irritation in between the lower part of his shoulder blades. 'Oh well, that's what I get for sleeping on this ratty old couch.' Genma thought as he kicked the couch sending a cloud of dust into the air. 'I think I'll go up the stairs, quietly, and make myself some breakfast.'

As Genma poked his head cautiously out the basement door, looking not unlike a prairie dog, he was relieved to see that Nodoka had left for Hokkaido already. He glanced at the wall clock in the kitchen and was a bit surprised that he'd slept this late… of course it had been nearly impossible to go to sleep on that damn couch.

Genma strolled into the kitchen and began whistling a nameless random tune as he prepared breakfast for himself. Bacon and eggs, with a side of toast and orange juice, a traditional breakfast. American, yes, but traditional nonetheless. Genma glanced about nervously as if to see if someone was watching him and then relaxing suddenly spoke in a forceful but not too loud voice, as he didn't want to wake Ranma, yet.

"Saotome school of Anything Goes special egg breaking move!!" He said as he threw a half dozen eggs into the air, cracked their shells, and caught them in the pan. 'Without breaking the yolk either, I'm _that_ good!' Genma thought with a contented smile as he placed the pan back on the stove.

"And now the toast…" Genma watched as the toaster pupped that instant sending four pieces of toasted bread into the air. "Saotome School of Anything Goes Toast Buttering Attack!" he almost shouted as he whipped the butter knife with butter into the flock of falling toast.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" Ranma asked from the kitchen doorway with a look on her face that said she was two words from giggling.

"Um…" Genma stood as if frozen for a few seconds after the toast fell to the floor, butter side down of course. "Practicing my martial arts…" he said somewhat lamely.

"You're so silly." Ranma said, finally giggling as she ran to give her father a hug. "I love you daddy!" She said as she kissed him on the cheek after he picked her up in a big hug. "What's for breakfast daddy?"

Genma looked at the toast on the floor and said "Bacon and eggs, sweetie, bacon and egg." Then he set Ranma on the cupboard, picked up the toast, and looked at it a bit thinking, 'A good martial artist must never let food go to waste.'

He set the toast on his own plate, flipped the eggs in the pan with no spatula, thank God for no-stick Teflon coated cookware. "Are we ready to eat? Huh Ranma?"

"Yeah!" Ranma said hopping down and rushing to the table with her plate and fork. Genma didn't particularly remember giving her any dishes, but then she was getting pretty big… why another few more years and she'd be dating, then going to college, then getting married, then… grandkids!!

'I'm too young to be a Grandpa!!' Genma thought frantically… then he remembered that Ranma was only four… or was it five now… maybe six. Surly not seven yet… Genma paled as he 'saw' his daughter aging before him, aging from teen to young woman to mother, why it seemed like only yesterday he'd held her in the hospital.

"Daddy!! I'm _really_ hungry!" Ranma cried shaking Genma out of his… reverie.

Genma laughed, "Well, yes, you do need to eat so that you can grow up…" Genma trailed off as he saw it happen again. 'Damn it!! I'm not Soun! I won't cry!'

* * * * * * * * * *

Genma blinked another drop of sweat out of his eyes, it didn't sting anymore… maybe because he'd gotten used to it during the day. Boy it _was_ getting hot, Genma thought as he leaned back and wiped the sweat off his face with a sleeve. The hole was at a two meter depth now, and that meant he was through with the digging and could take a rest… wait a minute how was he supposed to get out of this hole with out a ladder or something? He simply didn't think of jumping out… though he did try to climb out, he pulled himself up so that the ground was at armpit level before it collapsed on him.

Genma spat the dirt out of his mouth… at least it was kinda cool… and comfortable. A rather large stone that was embedded in one side of the hole fell out and hit Genma's head, almost bouncing off it and hitting his… other head. That was definitely _not_ comfortable! Fortunately he was drifting into unconsciousness from the first impact. His last thought was on how Ranma was doing with the cat collecting.

Genma awoke with a pounding headache, he was out for a sufficiently long time that his genitalia were only mildly throbbing. Genma prayed thanks to God that he'd been knocked unconscious and didn't recall any of that pain as he'd much rather have the pounding headache.

"Hi daddy!!" Ranma called as she peered down into the hole. "You were taking a nap, so I went to get the kitties you wanted." She held out a brown and gray cat that had dirt-caked fur and had only one ear, "See! This is Mr. Cruncher." Ranma said, beaming.

"Mr… Cruncher?" Genma asked wondering where on earth she'd gotten that name.

"Yep! He was eating a mouse, and it went Crunch-Crunch-Crunch." Ranma said imitating the cat eating an obviously long dead rat.

"Um, sweetie… I don't think you should be getting _those_ kitties." Genma said, a little worried about some cat-borne sickness, but then again for some reason cats loved her as much as she loved them, she never got scratched or bitten by even the meanest, grouchiest, old cats.

Ranma looked down at Genma and asked "Why not daddy? He likes me! See." She patted the cat on the head several times and it let out a loud bass purr that Genma could almost feel through the earth he was sitting in.

"Okay, honey… say could you get daddy the step ladder that's in the kitchen?" Genma asked as she was putting the big cat in the makeshift cage with the other cats. Genma wasn't sure but he thought he heard Ranma tell the cat to 'play nice' and he had to smile when he thought he heard an understanding mew come from the cat.

"Sure daddy!" Ranma shouted as she ran past the hole he was in.

A few minutes later Genma was pulling himself out of the pit he'd dug. The incident with the rock hitting him twice was giving him a bit of pause… 'No! A martial artist must stand firm in adversity, take the pain and challenge and meet it with determination and fortitude, and rise above it by turning it into a chance for training. That is what martial arts _is_, it's not about power or glory but about facing life's challenges and becoming better because of it!' Genma thoughts brought a single tear to his eye, that was so beautiful, he would have to write it down so he could share that wisdom with future generations of martial artists.

* * * * * * * * * *

'Finally, this is the moment of truth!' Genma thought as he stood on the edge of the pit, the cats below were meowing loudly at the smell of the fish sausage that was so close. "Ranma! Are you ready." Genma shouted, more for the dramatic effect than to be heard, and looked down at his daughter.

"Yes daddy!" Ranma shouted holding the rope that triggered the scaffolding's trapdoor. "Do you want me to pull it now?" Ranma asked suddenly unsure of what was going to happen or even _how_ this would help her father to train, but she was truly joyful at being able to be a help to her father.

"Yes Ranma! Pull it now!" Genma yelled in enthusiasm back to his daughter who was pulling on the rope with all her might now… and again and again she pulled. Apparently the trapdoor was stuck.

Ranma pulled again on the rope about in tears, she had really wanted to help her daddy, but now she couldn't. It made her feel really sad and more than a little angry at the stupid thing not doing what it was supposed to do. She ran up to the side of the platform and, still holding the rope, took off running as hard and fast as she could. The abrupt jerk as she reached the end of the rope took her by surprise and she found herself suddenly looking up at the sky, her arms aching from the sudden stop and her hands hurting from the rope burns that now stung both of her small hands.

Ranma was so startled by this all that she didn't immediately cry, but after three seconds she burst into tears. She had gotten hurt and been unable to help her daddy. "I just wanted to help!" she said through sobs as she expected her dad to be there and when he wasn't there she started to feel scared that he'd left her there, unable to look at her because of the shame he must now be feeling.

In all reality though, Genma had other things on his mind, the sudden opening of the trapdoor had changed his perspective on life, like trying to get out of the pit of hungry cats that were clawing and biting to get at the sausage he was wearing. Moments ago he'd been ready to brave anything to learn a new technique. However, now that was the furthest from his mind as the cats swarmed over his body covering him like ants on a dying grasshopper. Though, for a brief moment, he thought of Ranma and how proud he was that his little girl would do anything to help him train before he let out a loud scream of pure terror.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ranma sat in the tub of hot water, glad that he was a boy for the moment, and was simply relaxing. He had no idea of the tale that was being told downstairs, if he did he would have no doubt have been arguing and contesting _every_ point in the story Genma was telling Soun… except maybe about there being a pit full of starving cats.

Ranma had just closed his eyes and started to unwind when there was a strange clunking sound followed by some rattling that seemed to be emanating from the cabinet under the sink. Curiosity getting the better of him Ranma calmly exited the tub and stealthily made his way to the sink. Idly his mind produced the unbidden scene from a horror movie he'd once seen once, one of the characters wen't downstairs in a blackout to investigate a sound and was promptly killed by the predator that was lurking in the shadows.

Ranma mentally laughed at himself, it wasn't as if he was a defenseless little girl. Ranma winced internally at the thought of Akane hearing him say something like that. Taking a deep calming breath Ranma reached for the knob of the door and swung it open quickly hoping to catch whatever it was in there by surprise and found himself looking at the small body of…

"Ryoga!" Ranma gasped, almost sighing with relief. "How did you get in _there_? No, don't answer that, I don't wanna know." Ranma said as he scooped the black piglet into his arms and casually tossed hin into the bath.

_"Who_ are you?" Ryoga yelled as he shot out of the water and landed in a defensive stance, which if you thought about it looked _really_ ridiculous if you were a dripping wet naked boy.

Ranma was starting that he wasn't the only one to get hit on the head too many times. He stopped himself from saying something really caustic, he didn't really want to fight, he wanted to get back in the tub and relax for another half-hour or so, instead he said unemotionally "I'm Ranma Saotome."

Ryoga blinked once before pointing a finger at him and shouting "Liar!" 

Ranma couldn't help but sigh, this guy was supposed to be his best-friend/arch-rival? 'What on Earth did I do to deserve this?' Ranma thought caustically to any spiritual being who might be interested in anything that he had to say, not that he thought that any would. Though what Ryoga said next certainly indacated that God did have a sense of humor… Ranma just wasn't sure he understood the joke, and he was quite sure he didn't want to know the punch-line.

"Ranma is a beautiful, graceful, wonderful, vibrant, energetic, kind, young lady!" Ryoga shouted still pointing, "And you're not!" he added emphasizing his point with a jab in of his index finger in Ranma's direction.

Ranma sighed it appeared there was only one way out of this without a fight, Ranma really didn't want to change into a girl right now, although it would be rather amusing to see Ryoga pass out from blood loss.

Ryoga thought he was about to be attacked when he saw the boy next to the sink grin evilly, he was a bit confused by that look as all the times he'd seen it had been when he was a pig and someone was incredibly hungry. 'Is this guy a cannibal or something?' Ryoga found himself wondering as another thought followed up on its heels 'or maybe he's one of those homosexual predators… ewwwww.'

Ranma couldn't help flashing a grin before he turned the cold water on and quickly clamped his hand under the flow of water, spraying him and changing his body into a that of girl's.

The thoughts in Ryoga's mind faded away like frost on a pre-spring morning, gone before noon, there standing before him was… "Ranma."

Ranma hadn't expected that, it just wasn't like Ryoga, he should be needing life support and a transfusion by now. 'Oh well, at least half of my plan worked.' Ranma thought as he could almost see the gears in Ryoga's head trying to process this information, 'Figures, he already knew about it but it still surprised him, no wonder all my corny disguises work on him.' Ranma thought dryly, 'I wonder when he'll snap out of it.' Ranma thought, seeming to summon Ryoga from his mental stall.

"Oh Ranma! I had no idea you were cursed too!" Ryoga wailed in a good imitation of Soun, tears starting to form and all. Ryoga then jumped right in front of Ranma and pulled 'her' into a warm comforting embrace… that ended as soon as Ryoga's eyes popped open as he realized that he was holding a girl while he was naked, a cute naked girl at that too. Ryoga unceremoniously collapsed into a bloody pile of randomly twitching appendages.

* * * * * * * * * *

Mousse sighed as he brought the fifth mug up to his mouth and took a good quaff and the foam on the top of the fresh glass mug tickled his nose. Here he was in an establishment that tried to emulate an American 'Old West' look trying to drink his sorrows away without much success. 'Shampoo hates my guts and Ranma only likes me as a friend… is there anyone on the whole Earth that is as unlucky in love as I am?' Mousse thought forlornly.

At that moment the two swinging doors parted for the one person who could arguably have had as bad a love life, Tatewake Kuno, complete with bokken and a cowboy hat and boots with spurs. "Barkeep! Your strongest beer!"

"I'm sorry sir, we don't serve alcohol." the bartender said with a slightly irratated look, "This _is_ a soda shop after all."

"I meant 'fetch me your strongest Root Beer,' isn't that obvious!" Kono said with a look of indignance, and coincidently a straight face. He'd actually thought that this place was a bar, too bad though, he could use some strong beer, sake, whisky, or even vodka. Living with his sister was enough to cause that, but it was worse when Shampoo _and_ Akane Tendo both rejected him. He wasn't as clueless as they thought him… most of the time, that is. He just thought that maybe someday he could win one of them over with his persistence. 'They say that a working definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, if that's true then I'm really insane… when it comes to love.' Kuno thought, not bothering to throw his thoughts into the poetic mode he often used. It suited his mood, poetry was beautiful, like both Shampoo and Akane, but his life had precious little beauty in it… other than what he could see of Shampoo and Akane… why do you thing he had bookshelves of their pictures, it was a vain attempt to have some beauty in his life.

Not that the noble Tatewakt Kuno would ever admit that his life sucked, it was just sometimes things got a little overwhelming. He'd tried everything, from getting his sister put into an all-girls school to sending his father to Hawaii… Kuno grimaced at that one, that had really blown up in his face, now instead of having just a impossibly insufferable father he now had an insane and impossibly incorrigible and insufferable father. Nothing ever worked out for him, even his plan to help Akane keep ahead of the male populace of the school in her martial arts training with that stupid challenge had blown up in his face when he realized that he'd have to fight her and win if he wanted to take her on a date. Of course he'd always let her win, he could never intentionally hurt Akane, and he would have seriously punished anyone of the male populace in the school who did.

"Here you go!" the bartender said as he slid the mug along the bar, it stopping exactly in front of Kuno without spilling even a drop.

Kuno nodded his thanks and sipped at the drink through the mound of foam on the top as he returned to the contemplation of his life.

Mousse looked up at Kuno, or at least where he thought Kuno was. He didn't have his glasses on and the world was just a blur of color. Mousse had heard something in the other's voice, well-concealed emotional pain, of a personal nature perhaps. When you were next to blind, and many people commented that he _was_ blind, you learned to use your other senses. Hearing in particular was sharpened to a razor accuracy and Mousse was sure that it was Kuno that was in here with him, 'But what on Earth would cause _him_ emotional pain? He's popular in school, a good athlete, he has a well off family… all the things I don't have, except Shampoo.' Then it hit Mousse, could it be that Kuno was in the same lonely loveless boat as he was in? 'He likes both Akane Tendo and Shampoo, but they both seem to hate his guts. I guess he might have it worse than I do, being rejected by two women rather than just one… well, I guess you could say two, Ranma's not interested in me at all, but I'm happy just being friends with her… almost.'

Mousse and Kuno lost themselves in the mugs of Root Beer that they were nursing. It seemed like each was content to wallow in their own misery and self pity in a manner that seemed more suited to Ryoga, the Eternally Lost Boy, but that was where the difference came in to play, Ryoga had a _why_ to live for where Mouse and Kuno were losing theirs. That was the odd thing about it, if you had a _why_, a purpose, you could endure any _what_, more than anyone thought you capable of.

Mousse and Kuno sighed at the same time, oddly enough noticing the stereo effect brought the faintest of smiles to their lips as a small bond of mutual understanding grew. "You got rejected by Akane again didn't you?" Mousse asked, already knowing the answer he had to hear it from Kuno himself… maybe, just maybe, they could help each other and leave their lonely lives behind forever.

"Yes." Kuno nodded and closed his eyes, "That fair flower which blows on winds just out of hand's reach."

Mousse nodded, the poetry perfectly understood. "You know, the only reason Shampoo ever came to Japan is Ryoga Hibiki."

"Yes, what of it?" Kuno asked genuinely wondering where this was going.

"If we were to defeat Ryoga the playing field would be clear. You could pursue Akane and Shampoo, while I woo Ranma." Mousse offered adding a silent 'and Shampoo.' to his statement. Mousse wondered where his glasses were, it would really help if he could see Kuno's face and gauge his reaction.

Kuno chuckled slightly at the picture of him easily vanquishing that horrible Casanova, Ryoga, and taking Akane and Shampoo out together. "I think that is a perfectly plausible idea." He said as he offered his hand to Mousse.

'I'm afraid to stand up…' Mousse thought as he eyed the hand in front of him. Those other four Root Beers had caught up with him and the slightest jostle threatened to put him in a rather embarrassing position, nonetheless Mousse took the hand firmly and thus their pact was sealed.

Kuno looked back down at Mousse and smiled, Ryoga was doomed. He threw back his head and laughed a deep and maniacal laugh that was almost instantly joined by one of Mousse's. The barkeep just shook his head at the two thinking that maybe he should open a psychiatric clinic in the corner for the crazies that all seemed to gravitate to his shop.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ranma pulled the plug from the drain and stepped out of the tub and as he toweled off he saw that Ryoga was still twitching on the floor. 'Well, it seems I've found a way to keep him from getting lost.' Ranma thought with a cocky smirk… before he remembered that diary he'd rear earlier and shuddered… 'ewwwww! I'm a guy!! I swear I am!'

Ranma quickly pulled on some clothes, he oddly only had three pair of Chinese shirts, the rest of the clothes in the closet were decidedly girlish in nature, although the pink and red one wasn't _that_ bad he guessed, then mentally slapped himself for even thinking of thinking of wearing it before heading out of the bathroom with a parting shot of "Hey, clean up your mess, will ya Ryoga?" Which was only answered by a feeble twitch and what might have been a moan.

Ranma was on his way down the stars when he felt the whole second floor shake from a door being slammed. It had to be Akane, she was the only one who regularly slammed doors around here. Ranma stood at the top of the stairs hesitating as he was torn between seeing if Akane was ok or going to find something to eat. Ranma looked longingly down the stars for a moment before turning around and making his way to Akane's room and though he'd decided that he was going to see what was bothering Akane he paused before knocking, invariably he would wind up on the receiving end of some painful retribution.

"Go away!" Akane's emotion filled half-scream gave Ranma a bit of pause.

'Well, if I'm going to get pounded I think that I'll just get it done and over with.' Ranma thought as he opened the door, ready to jump to the side at a moment's notice. Hey, even if he was resigned to getting pummeled he wasn't going to rush into it head on… especially where a mallet wielding Akane was concerned, the last time she'd whacked him upside the head something good.

Akane looked up, well glared is a more accurate term, at the door opening. She was in no mood to talk to anyone. 'Why can't people just leave me alone?' Akane wondered as a head poked in through the door, Ranma's head, at that realization a surprising amount of the anger she'd been feeling disappeared. 'Well, I guess I could talk to Ranma, she's always there to talk to… even after we fight.'

"Akane?" Ranma asked somewhat nervously unsure if he was really doing the right thing, "What happened?"

"Kuno..." Akane tried to articulate what had happened, "He, tried to get me to date him again…" Akane hoped Ranma wouldn't start lecturing her again, but it was good to know that Ranma was always there to help her out. "I know you and Ryoga are already set up, you know, engaged, and all. You don't even have to date him and I'm fine with that, really." Akane said trying to stave off Ranma's favorite 'lecture' the 'You-need–a-man' lecture which always resulted in Ranma going off and fantasizing about her man, Ryoga, for a few hours. 'Boy, she does have it bad, I just hope she can take it when she finds out Ryoga's not perfect, and I hope Ryoga can take it when she finally tells him all her plans.' Akane always felt a little sorry for Ryoga when Ranma got like that, she had a vision of a man falling into an irresistible river and being washed away no matter how much he struggled. Ranma was, of course, the river and Ryoga the poor fool who'd got caught in her currents. 'Even if he wasn't interested in Ranma she'd get him.'

'Me and Ryoga!' Ranma felt his eyes widen and his brain starting to stall. Karmic retribution for what he'd done to Ryoga in the bathroom he supposed, before all conscious thought left his mind.

"I don't know Ranma…" Akane continued not even aware that Ranma would have been paying more attention if he'd simply been asleep. "Kuno's a nice guy, if only he didn't try so hard he'd be much more attractive. It's like he has nothing else in his life to pay attention to, no dreams or ambitions except for 'Dating with you!'" Akane mimicked Kuno rather well, though this too was lost on Ranma. "He's got enough in his head to make something of himself but I guess he just doesn't want to or something."

Akane continued listing all of Kuno's faults, interspersed here and there with a strength or asset, while Ranma's mind tried futilely to make sense out of things, it was as if it were trying to divide by zero or some other undefined function and because it was undefined it struggled to make some kind of definition… then things clicked into place, engaged, as in 'engaged in combat', so obviously Ryoga had challenged him, hence the date, and he was going to wipe the floor with the lost boy. That obviously was what Akane had meant when she said 'dating and engaged', and even if she had said something different it still would have meant the same thing `cause that's what she meant Ranma's subconscious smiled in satisfaction as it hit the 'reset button' for his conscious mind.

Ranma looked around as if looking for something that was missing, he felt as if something weird had happened, but was unsure of what exactly that was… he had a nagging feeling about a date or something, a challenge maybe?

"Ranma, are you listening to me?" Akane asked in a rather iratated tone. 'I'll bet she wasn't, she was probably daydreaming about Ryoga, again. She really needs to learn to control herself, I mean, I think I can see a drool stain on her shirt!'

"Wha!" Gasped Ranma "Of course I'm listening to you Akane! What else would I be doing?"

'Thinking about your fiancee…' Akane thought in reply but instead said "I have no idea what you'd be doing, but isn't today the day you help Kasumi make dinner?"

"Dinner?" Ranma said, unsure of where that had come from, "I don't think so…"

"Ok, then it must be _my_ turn!" Akane said with a wicked grin.

Ranma paled as he scrambled up, "No, no, you were right, it _is_ my turn… I was just testing you," Ranma laughed nervously "Yeah, testing."

'Ranma, you know Kasumi won't let me cook… unless I beg. What's the matter with you?' Akane thought a split second before saying "Then you'd better get down there you don't want to be late again do you?"

"No, of course not!" Ranma agreed though his thoughts reflected a bit different train of thought, 'It's _Kasumi_, what would she do, not smile at me?'

Ranma turned out of Akane's room and bolted for the stairs. What was going on here. The more he thought about it the more it didn't make any sense. 'Maybe I am going nuts.' Ranma thought as he took two and three stairs at a time, pausing at the bottom of the starcase to wonder why he didn't just jump over the railing.

He was about to bound off into the kitchen when he say his father and Mr. Tendo talking. He couldn't resist the urge to go and find out what they were talking about, he couldn't shake the feeling that it was him that was the topic of discussion.

"And that's when Ranma came by with a bucket of fish heads and dumped it into the pit with me." Genma was saying as Tendo was starting his telltale cry.

"You have such a good and helpful daughter Genma!" He wailed as the streams of tears came pouring out at unbelievable rates. "I wish that one of my daughters was that loyal and dedicated to martial arts."

"There-there Tendo. Kasumi is much more wifely than Ranma is and Akane is dedicated more to martial arts than Ranma." Genma said trying to comfort Soun.

Ranma couldn't believe what he'd just heard, not the being compared to Kasumi and Akane, that was natural if everyone thought he was a girl, but that Akane was more dedicated to the art!! That was… was… sacrilege!

"Hey! I can beat Akane any day of the week with one hand tied behind my back!" Ranma yelled at the two fathers taking them both by surprise.

"Now if only you'd apply yourself to martial arts with that kind of direction you would be the best martial artist in all of Tokyo." Genma said rather calmly. "But we can't let you just give up on everything else to focus on martial arts."

'Dad is lecturing me on having a balanced life? What's next? Is Kuno going to get a doctorate or Dr. Tofu start acting normal around Kasumi? How about Kasumi getting angry!? Maybe Nabiki will give up her worldly possessions to join a convent! What else I ask!? _What_!?' Ranma was ready to burst and say something, except he didn't know what _to_ say. It was totally ridiculous, or so he told himself as he tried to pull himself away from the conversation… there was something he needed to do but he couldn't exactly recall… until Kasumi stepped into the room with a tray of tea for the two fathers.

Kasumi smiled to each of them as she set the tray down and then grabbed Ranma's ear and dragged the boy to the kitchen as she returned.

'What is all this about?' Ranma wondered in the few moments it took to get to the kitchen. 'I wonder what Kasumi wants.'

Ranma found out a second later when Kasumi suddenly sprouted a giant dragon-head and yelled at Ranma for being late.


	8. Good Mental Help Is Hard To Find These D...

::Chapter 7:: Good Mental Help Is Hard To Find These Days

"Dead?" Nodoka looked at the small redheaded girl. 'Obviously she's mistaking me for someone else.' Nodoka thought, briefly wondering who she reminded the girl of before directing her gaze to the bald man holding a sign that said he was dead. Was he joking? Sometimes she did not understand that man, she'd forced him to make the strongest sort of a promise because of that, which is why she'd come to the Tendo dojo in the first place. "Where's our son?"

"Well, Nodoka, dear…" Genma started, then fell short with the glare and '_where_' she said icily. "It's a long story honey. You'd better sit down." Genma looked up at Ranma "Why don't you go _change_ and then get some tea for my wife."

'Change into a boy? Why?' Ranma thought as she headed to the kitchen. She grabbed one of the spare teapots that Kasumi had stocked up on. Three teapots in one day? That had to be a record. Ranma grabbed a glass as she waited for the kettle to fill, then she filled it and upended it over her head, triggering her curse.

'Why in the world did daddy want me to change into a boy?' Ranma thought as she waited for the water to heat up. 'What was that about a son? I'm an only child and I'm not a boy… well, not if I can help it.'

- - - - - - - - - -

Nodoka sat down facing her husband as the redheaded girl left. "Alright dear, what's going on? Why didn't you come home?" Nodoka asked with genuine concern.

"I-I thought we wouldn't be welcome after what happened to us on our training journey." Genma said, trying to explain, and in a way that wouldn't result in his sudden and immediate loss of life. "While Ranma and I were in China something happened to us." Genma said trying to slowly introduce her to the idea that things were _different_, and as such extraneous in regards to the promise he'd made, thereby ensuring the continuation of his life.

"Genma, it's _our_ home, you'd always be welcome there… but _why_ did you think you couldn't come home? Were you afraid of what I would say?" Nodoka asked and shifted the cloth wrapped sword which seemed to have Genma's eyes riveted to it. 'Could it be about _that_ promise? How could Ranma _not_ be manly?'

It wasn't that he hadn't tried, or that he'd thought he couldn't do it, it was just that he thought that he could help his boy to become a man among men… he'd tried and failed, it hurt him in more ways than one that his son was cursed and that he was totally ungrateful for the time and energy that he'd spent in training him to be the heir of the Anything Goes style. Genma sighed and tried to gather his thoughts calmly, it wouldn't do to let his emotions run away with him now… especially when they could easily get him killed.

When Genma settled into an uncomfortable silence Nodoka began to be slightly worried. She looked at him with genuine concern etched into her face and he seemed to flinch. "What do you mean? What happened dear?" Nodoka asked.

"We were cursed during our travels in China…" Genma hopped that she wouldn't fly off the handle… that she would be reasonable and see that this was completely out of their control, that it was fate, destiny, or something that wouldn't get them killed.

"Cursed?" Nodoka asked in that tone that was held by someone who didn't really believe what they were hearing. "How?"

"Ranma!!" Genma turned his head toward the kitchen and shouted, now would be the time to demonstrate the curses… he just hoped that things would turn out ok, but his sudden paling betrayed the image that crept into his mind of him slitting his own belly.

"Yes father!" Ranma emerged with the kettle and handed it to him when Genma gestured that he wanted it.

"Now go get a couple of buckets of cold water, ok?" Genma whispered to Ranma.

Nodoka raised an inquisitive eyebrow at the kettle and the sudden whispered conversation between Genma and that boy… 'was that Ranma? Could he be the child she'd last seen so many years ago?' Nodoka smiled, he certainly looked manly enough, why then would Genma be hesitant to bring him home and show him off? Things didn't add up, maybe it had to do with that curse Genma was babbling about.

Nodoka only wanted to understand what was going on, she hadn't seen her husband or boy in ten years and now they were acting very strange, very strange indeed, Nodoka amended as she saw the boy came back a moment later with several buckets of water, which judging from the speed at which they were produced must have been easily accessible.

Nodoka watched as Genma grabbed a bucket and dumped about half of it on himself… and promptly changed into a panda. Her eyes widened as she saw the panda pull out a sign reading 'See, I turn into a panda with cold water…'.

Then the panda reached out, grabbed the kettle and poured a little of the steaming hot water over himself, and turned back into Genma. "And hot water turns me back into a human." Genma finished, his head bowed as he continued, "Ranma's curse is worse than my own." flinging the rest of the bucket of water at Ranma suddenly.

Ranma just stood there and blinked a moment. "Daddy, if you wanted me to change you could have just asked me to…" Ranma said as 'he' reached over and poured enough hot water over herself to return her to her normal, un-cursed state.

Both Genma and Nodoka looked up at Ranma in shock, thought for very different reasons. Genma because the curse seemed to have suddenly been reversed, and Nodoka because standing before her was that redheaded girl. Nodoka fainted, barely being caught by a Genma that looked like he _wanted_ to faint, but instead all he did was stare dumbly at Ranma.

- - - - - - - - - -

'I think it's this way…' Ryoga Hibiki thought to himself as he walked down the wrong hallway. 'I'm sure I should have gotten by there by now.' He looked down at the piece of paper again, the address of the psychiatrist and the directions were hastily written by a rushed doctor Tofu before he'd hurried out to take care of business… though Ryoga couldn't see what the several thousand yen would be required for his business. Ryoga sighed, it was just like his luck to get lost at a time like this… all he wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry, it was horrible, absolutely horrible!

He tried to keep his thoughts off it but it was like a train wreak, he wanted to look away but all he could do was stare with morbid fascinations at the horrific scene that played itself out in his mind yet again.

There he was sitting there, and suddenly he was falling… falling into Ranma's arms, Ranma in his girl form, who then _kissed_ him!! He wanted to scream 'NOOOOO!!' but he couldn't as the scene quickly degraded into bits and pieces of fantasies, movies, and who knows what else… he wanted to pull out of the nightmare but it kept sucking him in, like a black hole… one of the most horrible ones was where he married Ranma and then… then… he couldn't bear to think of it, but the image of a scantily clad female Ranma literally throwing herself at him wouldn't be pried from his head… that was it! He couldn't stand it any more!

He destroyed several office walls as his head broke them into economy-sized pieces as he put his head through them. The pain dulled the thoughts and provided another focus of attention, although he was dimly aware of some people calling security while others sought cover from what they thought was an earthquake.

Finally, Ryoga came to his senses, he was laying on his back staring at the sun overhead, and being poked by a kid with a stick… 'Better outcome than before…' Ryoga thought as he pulled himself into a sitting position and coincidentally scarring off the kid. 'Definitely a better outcome than the last time…' Ryoga shuddered as he thought about waking up, in cursed form, in a meat packing plant.

"Where am I?" Ryoga asked aloud, but in a normal tone of voice as opposed to his normal shouts and curses as he looked about.

After staggering to his feet, and waiting for the world to quit taking such weird turns and dives, Ryoga pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket… on it seemed to be an address, the rest seemed to have been tattered beyond all recognition. 'Too bad.' Ryoga thought as he remorsefully looked at the poor, tattered paper.

Then the street sign caught his eye, it was the same street name as the address… and there was a building with the same number! He'd found it, it was a miracle!! Ryoga wanted to cry with sheer joy as he ran up the stairs and pulled the door off its hinges.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Oh-ha-ha-ha!!" Kodachi's laugh sent shivers down Sasuke's spine, but he forced himself to remain outwardly calm, suppressing the natural instinct to shudder even worse than when someone ran their nails across a blackboard.

He hated this, truly hated it to the core of his being, but it was necessary to Master Kuno that he do his best to serve Kodachi as well as himself. Most of the time it seemed as though it wouldn't present a problem, but it always happened when someone tried to server two masters. Love one and hate the other, Kodachi had fallen into the role of the hated master, while Tatewake filled the other.

Sasuke suppressed another shudder as Kodachi began to tell him of her latest plan to capture 'Ranma Darling's heart. If only he didn't feel like he would soon find himself actually bringing her his heart like the woodsman in that Snow White story he would have breathed a lot easier… but this seemed like one of her more insane and unstable days as was evidenced by Kodachi's near breakdown when she saw that some of her nail polish had chipped off.

After a few moments sitting in perfect stillness, it was better not to catch mistress Kodachi's eye when she was like this, Kodachi finally began to reveal her plan.

"With that red-headed hussy out of the way, Ranma Darling will be all mine!" Kodachi laughed again, though Sasuke was prepared this time. "Sasuke! You will make sure that nothing, and I mean _nothing_ interferes with her marriage to that Hibiki boy."

Sasuke glanced up a moment to see a no-arguments face on Kodachi, that stifled the protest that she didn't really want to do that, but then again, who ever really did know what Kodachi wanted? "Yes mistress Kodachi."

Sasuke got out of her presence without scrambling, though only just barely. 'Damned if I do… damned if I don't… damn!' Sasuke thought as he made his way along the Kuno estate… only to be snagged by Tatewake Kuno himself.

"M-Master Kuno!?" Sasuke gasped as he was pulled along by his mighty master's hand. "What is it Master? You seem…"

"It is decided Sasuke!" Kuno seemed to hesitate a moment before continuing "You will rid my rooms of the pictures of the pig-tailed girl… nothing is to come between me and my beloved Akane Tendo! Is that understood?"

"Y-yes master!" Sasuke was stunned, this behavior, this _decisiveness_… could the house of Kuno finally be on its way to obtaining its former glory? Sasuke could only hope that is was indeed so.

- - - - - - - - - -

"What just happened? What about your curse?" Genma asked, true puzzlement playing across his features. 'When did Ranma's curse get switched? What could have switched it in the first place?'

"What are you talking about daddy?" Ranma asked with a similar puzzlement on her face. "My Nannichuan curse is acting like it always does… I turn into a boy with cold water and hot water turns me back into a girl."

Genma's eyes widened… this was strange, unbelievable… Ranma thought he was a _she_. Nodoka was going to kill him for sure now, unless… Genma smiled as thought coalesced and a plan began to form. It however sent chills down Ranma's spine.

"Why are you looking at me that way daddy?" Ranma said as she backed away, the gleam of insanity in her father's eye sent pure terror down her spine… it was like when her father saw a cat and was about to go into his neko-ken mode. "Daddy? Y-yo-you're scaring me Daddy!!"

The last word of Ranma's plea was drowned out by Genma's maniacal laughter.

- - - - - - - - - -

Ryoga settled back into one of the horribly uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room, he'd just finished handing in the reams of forms he'd filled out. Who would have guessed that getting mental help would have involved copious amounts of paperwork? Ryoga sighed and rubbed the palms into his bleary eyes as he thought that the only thing worse than having to read and fill out all those forms would be having to read and fill out all those forms when you had a phobia of forms. Thankfully his brain had been too deadened by all that paperwork to produce anymore visions of Ranma… for the time being anyway, so he wasn't going to complain.

Ryoga looked op as the door opened letting the trailing end of the conversation leak into the waiting room. "… so there's no reason for me to think she doesn't love me!? All I need to do is be persistent! Thank you doctor, thank you!!" some guy was saying as he walked out of the doctor's room and made his way to the receptionist to pay for his counseling session.

Ryoga could only follow him with a stare, it was Mousse, though with one of those cheap fake nose-and-moustache glasses replacing his normal coke-bottle ones. Ryoga was simply stunned that anyone would, or could, fail to recognize the myopic martial-artist… heck, even Ranma had the decency to change out of his normal attire for his disguises. Then the figure pushed the glasses up onto his forehead leaving the plastic-like nose and crumby moustache in place and Ryoga's eyeballs nearly popped out of their sockets at seeing that this wasn't really Mousse.

"Thank you Mr. Mo Sue, the doctor will see you again next Friday at three…" the receptionist was trying to give the near blind martial artist's look-alike a memo card, but he took a leaf from the brown wilted plant on the desk instead.

"Thank you." he said with a smile as he made his way out of the doctor's office, completely ignoring the loud sigh the receptionist gave his back as he left.

Ryoga got up and was trying to get a better look at the retreating form of the Mousse look-alike… 'That was just too weird…' was all that Ryoga could manage to think as he watched the spot the amazon's double had been moments before.

Ryoga was shaken from contemplating the scene when a head popped out of the doctor's and almost yelled "Next! A… Mr. Hibiki…"

- - - - - - - - - -

"I still don't get it..." Ranma said in a confused manner, she still hadn't quite recovered from her father's insane and near maniacal bout of laughter and this plan wasn't helping to put her at ease.

"It's simple son!!" Genma said in a tone that sounded more like it should be from an excited fanatic rather than a martial artist. "You see…" Genma started but was cut off by Ranma.

"I'm sorry to interrupt daddy, but why do you keep calling me son and boy? I'm a _girl_." Ranma tried to interject as politely as she could. It was almost as if her father had been replaced by some stranger that looked exactly like him.

"But Ranma you are a boy! I promised your mother that I'd train you to be a man amongst men…" Genma stole a glance to the still unconscious form of Nodoka across the room from where he was conversing with Ranma. He looked back at Ranma and decided to tell him about the seppuku pledge when he saw the doubt painted plainly on her features. "Before we left for China…" Genma began.

Ranma listened to the story with a warped and morbid sort of curiosity. Her mother was dead, she had left several years ago with her father on a two year training trip, but here it looked like her mother was alive and her father was spouting nonsense about their trip and it was all so… scary. 'What's happening here?' Ranma thought to herself as she looked earnestly at her father and tried desperately to understand, to figure out, what was going on. Ranma sighed, she didn't know what was going on but until she was sure it was wrong she would do as he asked, he was her father after all and her father would never intentionally harm her.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Ah, Mister Hibiki! Come in, come in!" The psychiatrist said beckoning him into his room. "I'm your psychiatrist, Dr. Sanzenin."

Ryoga entered the room and looked around. It was a bit on the small side, though with the price of office space in Tokyo he was certain that was unavoidable. The walls held several bookshelves and diplomas and up against one wall was the couch, a specially made one by the looks of it, it looked fairly strange but it was probably comfortable for sitting or laying. 'Now where have I heard the name Sanzenin before?' Ryoga thought, unable to place the name.

Ryoga settled comfortably into the couch, it was rather nice he noted as he relaxed and listened to the psychiatrist drone on about what the purposes of the sessions would be and a brief overview of some of the procedures that would be used in the following sessions.

"First off, instead of just plunging into what set you off I'll need some background… Dr. Tofu did give me some information, not nearly enough mind you, and I'd still like to hear what you have to say about it."

"Well, it all started when Ranma _kissed_ me…" Ryoga began, shuddering involuntarily before Dr. Sanzenen interrupted.

"Now, could you explain what your relationship is with this Ranma?" The doctor asked as he flipped through a notebook that had suddenly appeared in his hand with a pen ready in his other hand.

"Ranma and I are enemies!" Ryoga virtually yelled, then smugly crossed his arms and began to smile as he thought of the tortures he'd put Ranma through the next time they met.

"I see, that explains why you're so disturbed about the _incident_. So then, why did Ranma kiss you?" Dr. Sanzenen prodded.

Ryoga's face fell as the doctor's words brought back the memory of what had happened, and the indirect way the doctor had referenced it had, against all probable intentions, forced Ryoga to relive the whole thing once again.

Doctor Sanzenin noted the sudden change in his patient, from being outwardly angry, almost bursting to a subdued calm as he paled and began to mumble. Dr. Sanzenin couldn't help but smile as he asked "What was that? Could you speak up, I can't hear you."

"I said I don't know." Ryoga said curtly, the way some people try to avoid a painful subject. He really didn't want to talk about it… as the doctor probed and it became obvious that he would have to divulge detailed information about Ranma… information that could very easily be taken the wrong way. Ryoga found himself telling the doctor about Ranma, always referring to Ranma in the male and not even trying to explain Jusenkyo curses. It would be easy to prove that they existed and demonstrate how they worked, but it was not something that Ryoga would ever do willingly.

It was when Ryoga found himself talking about the bread feud they'd participated in junior high that Dr. Sanzenin interrupted him to ask about his family, where they were at the time and why he couldn't have brought his lunch form home.

"I see," Dr. Sanzenin said as he entered something in his notebook, "Go on."

Ryoga then related several stories of himself and Ranma and then found himself reiterating the story of… well, talking about the thing that had happened earlier… the whole marriage proposal thing.

"I think I'm beginning to see your situation… you're gay… homosexual, I mean. " Dr. Sanzenen said as he looked up from his notebook and smiled.

Ryoga felt his jaw drop, no, no he _wasn't_. It simply wasn't possible. Ryoga Hibiki could never be gay, in either sense of the word. "N… no."

"Yes." Dr. Sanzenin lowered the notebook and fully faced Ryoga, "Your fixation on that boy, Ranma, is just one of the manifestations. You see, it's all so perfectly clear. You're attracted to him, that's what causes your fixation, and yet you hate yourself for these feelings even though you aren't aware of them and that causes your repression. Your depression comes from your never having, or being able to have, your own desires fulfilled…"

Ryoga tried to shake his head in the negative, or put his hands over his ears, or scream, but he was frozen in place by the abject feelings of horror and dread that clawed at his very soul.

Dr. Sanzenin sighed before continuing, "Your anger is actually a byproduct of the struggle between your desire for Ranma and your hatred for desiring him, and finally your constant inability to find him, your ability to '_get-lost_' is simply your subconscious trying to spare you this pain by running away… but that will never help anything, will it?"

"No… I suppose it won't." Ryoga sighed, entirely unsure of himself, a small voice in the back of his head cried out that this was wrong, all wrong, but Ryoga quickly shut it out of his mind.

Dr. Sanzenen smiled, it was always toughest to have things shaken so badly in one's core-being. "I think we may be able to do something about it though." Dr. Sanzenen offered.

"Really?" Ryoga asked in a voice that belonged to a small lost child rather than a strong teen-aged martial-artist, "What?"

- - - - - - - - - -

"Ok, you remember your role?" Genma asked frantically as Nodoka began to stir.

"Yes daddy." Ranma said rather unenthusiastically before pouring some of the cold water on herself triggering the change into a guy.

Genma attended to Nodoka as she revived and as gently as he could. It wouldn't do for him to shock her too much, that was Ranma's job, he was there to support Nodoka in this time of emotional trouble, even if his plan _was_ the cause of it. Some things just couldn't be helped.

- - - - - - - - - -

Kasumi hummed to herself as she left the house, she used the back door in the kitchen to leave not wanting to interrupt the Saotome reunion. Although she was wondering wether or not to set an extra place or two less. It wouldn't hurt to be prepared for more, she thought, and besides the family could always eat any leftovers.

It was a good day to go shopping Kasumi thought as she smiled and waved at a vendor. The fish was good today, quite a fresh catch and reasonably priced and after purchasing it she found all the spices she'd wanted on discount. Definitely a good day, Kasumi thought as she bought twice what she normally would have. Kasumi waved a friendly goodbye as she stepped out of the shop and into someone hard enough to surprise her into dropping the groceries.

"Oh my, I'm terribly sorry." Kasumi said as she bowed politely before kneeling to retrieve the fallen food. 'Good thing we didn't need eggs.' Kasumi thought as she did so.

"Oh! That's quite all right!" She heard the other say with a funny lisp as he too knelt down to retrieve the groceries. Something about that voice struck her as oddly familiar, so she looked to see who it was… and when she did she let out a startled 'eek!' and flung the groceries that she'd already recovered into the air.

"Oh dear!" Ryoga exclaimed as he caught the falling foodstuffs with his excellent martial-arts trained reflexes.

It really was Ryoga, Kasumi had been hoping otherwise, but the way he caught the falling groceries proved it to her. He was in a tight black t-shit with long sleeves that terminated in pink ruffles and baby-blue pants. The shirt revealed the Lost Boy's well-muscled chest and arms, but that was nothing the way the pants clung to his lower body. His movements were disturbing, to say the least, especially the way he flung his wrist limply and giggled as he asked "Do you believe in true love?" complete with the stereotypically homosexual lisp. In fact everything about him now seemed to scream that stereotype, especially the cute, fuzzy bunny slippers. It was as wrong on him as a Speedo is on a fat old man.

Kasumi was about to ask what Ryoga was doing dressed like that when he suddenly fell to the ground with an exuberant old man carrying a large pack obviously stuffed with stolen panties, bras, and other unmentionables. Happosai let out another of his trade mark "what a haul!" shouts before he bounded off again. The groceries Ryoga had caught were smashed under his body of course, and as he started to get up another body fell on him, crushing the groceries again and knocking the wind out of Ryoga.

"What a haul! What a haul!!" Hiroshi yelled as he got up and quickly shoved some of the panties that had fallen from his pack back in it before bounding off in the direction that the master had gone.

"What can I make with fish-paste?" Kasumi thought aloud as she reflected on how she was doubly, or was it triply, glad that she hadn't gotten eggs, undoubtably by now they would have all broken.

Ryoga just moaned as he rolled over and tried to get his breath back. "Is it over yet?" he asked immediately before Daisuke came running up and tripping landed on Ryoga, knocking what little breath he'd regained out.

Daisuke staggered to his feet panting, "What a… what a… what a… haul?" Daisuke's eyes widened as he saw Happosai and Hiroshi running quickly from view. "Wait for me master!!" He shouted as he scrambled forward almost tripping again as he followed the other two, out of shape and uncoordinated it looked like.

"Wh-wha-what wa-was _that_?" Ryoga asked as he struggled to breathe.

"Oh, Ranma's friends… they look like they're having a fun time, don't you think?" Kasumi asked in reply, she really didn't want to get into any discussion involving Happosai, his new apprentices, or their 'training methods'. Kasumi looked back down at Ryoga and offered to help him up, he reached for her hand but before they touched a hoard of enraged women arrived in a stampede, beat Ryoga Hibiki to a pulp, and left in a huff not even bothering to remove the pair of panties that had somehow found their way onto Ryoga's head.

"Ry-Ryoga!" Kasumi said as she looked in horror, "Oh, my!" The mangled mush that had once been human seemed to cry out for help and Kasumi couldn't ever bear to see such a little defenseless creature in pain. Briefly she wondered if the butcher would let her borrow a knife to put him out of his misery.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Ohhhh…" Nodoka moaned as she stirred. She'd just had the most horrible dream. She'd gone to see Genma's old friend, Soun Tendo, to see of he'd heard anything from Genma and Ranma recently. However, when she got there she found that Genma and Ranma were a panda and a girl respectively. 'What an odd dream…' Nodoka thought as she mentally laughed at herself and nuggled deeper into the warm body holding her… 'Warm body!?' Nodoka thought as her eyes shot open.

There in front of her was the red haired Ranma from her dream, that meant… "Oh, no."Nodaka almost whimpered as she fought against the tears. 'It's true! All of it!'

"Dear, are you awake?" She heard Genma ask as he held on to her, first to comfort her and keep her from wanting to kill him, and second to restrain her and keep her from getting the sword that was her family heirloom and killing them with it.

"Genma…" Nodoka said, unsure of what to say or do, it wasn't like this happened to every family. 'Or do they? "Oh, yes today father's a panda, brother's a girl, sister's a squid, and heck, the family cat is a goldfish now!" Yes, scenes like that were common not only in Japan, but in the rest of the world as well!' Nodoka thought caustically as she teetered on the edge of hysteria.

"There now, don't get all excited." Genma said in a calm, reassuring voice even though he felt himself start to break out in a cold sweat. "I'll find a way to fix it."

"Really?" Nodoka asked, grasping to the thin hope that Genma offered. "How are you going to fix this?"

"I don't know yet." Genma said in all honesty, oddly it felt good to get this weight off his shoulders… he just had to give Ranma the signal, and then try to explain his fabrication to Nodoka, why was he feeling a twinge of regret at going back to deceit?

Ignoring the desire to stay honest with Nodoka right now, he nodded at Ranma, signaling the start of his plan, and possibly a way to explain any 'unmanliness' that Ranma exhibited.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Where are wh going?" Ryoga asked in a voice that managed to be whiny and nasally and added to Kasumi's growing irritation with his newfound lisp.

"Back to this Dr. Sanzenin!" Kasumi exclaimed. She didn't normally do anything violent but she was definitely going to give this doctor a piece of her mind, especially after hearing the whole story with that infuriating lisp. 'He's in for a serious tongue lashing!'

Ryoga held on to Kasumi's hand tightly and rad to nearly run to keep up with her purposeful walk. He looked around and wondered what all the people were looking at, the way they turned and stared seemed to indicate that it was something strange. The way they cringed or flintched as they made eye-contact with him suggested that it was him that they found to be so odd. This was a disturbing line of thought, Ryoga was really extremely self-conscious, that was why he could never talk around girls he liked… Ryoga sighed as he thought of Akane and then a moment later Ranma-chan.

'Wait!' Ryoga thought to himself, 'This is confusing! If I'm homosexual then why am thinking about girls?' Ryoga thought it over and couldn't come up with any good explanation, in fact, now that he thought about it he'd never thought about any guy like that… until Ranma-chan, but then Ranma was acting like a girl then… so could that be it. Could Ranma's gender confusion have impacted him that much? If that was the case, then he owed Dr. Sanzenin some serious pain. Ryoga thought angrily, 'How could he do that to me? Doctors aren't supposed to lie like that. How could he trick me like that when I trusted him?'

Before he realized it Kasumi had dragged him into the office. In fact it surprised the secretary so much that she nearly put her eye out while touching up her mascara. "What are you doing bursting in here like that?" the secretary demanded as she tried futilely to keep the tears from ruining her mascara job.

"What is it you think you're doing!?" Kasumi angrily demanded as she wheeled around on the other woman. "Where do you people get off doing something like this," Kasumi gestured to Ryoga, "to someone you were supposed to treat!? How could you ruin him so thoroughly!?"

Ryoga stood and watched the verbal battle escalate in amazement, he'd never seen Kasumi angry, much less _this_ angry. Now that he thought about it Kasumi looked quite pretty as well… 'Wait a minute…' Ryoga thought to himself, 'First Akane, then Ranma-chan, and now Kasumi I'd better quit this before I end up like that idiot Mikado…' Ryoga groaned as it hit him Mikado Sanzenin, probably the doctor's son, which would explain a lot.

"What's going on out here?" Dr. Sanzenin asked in a perturbed tone as he opened the door to his office and drew everyone's attention.

Dr. Sanzenin was wearing a pink tutu that was a size too small and a white veil that looked to have come off of a wedding gown designer's showcase… and had enough green eyeshadow on to send Mimi from the Drew Carry Show into shock.

Kasumi and the secretary stared in shock while Ryoga didn't know what to do. Screaming because he'd taken advice from this guy seemed like a good start, as did blaming it all on Ranma, but somehow Ryoga felt that just that wouldn't be enough. Sure, the guy needed pounding, but how could he draw it out so that the 'good doctor' would feel it in the most excruciating of ways? Ryoga reached up to scratch his head as he thought of ways to punish the tutu-wearing freak-of-nature that stood before him now when his hand encountered something around his head that wasn't his bandanna… he pulled at it and found a pair of women's panties in his hand. Ryoga's eyes bulged out as he remembered half the town had seen him as Kasumi had dragged him here… how could thing get worse?

The secretary burst out laughing, sending Ryoga into an embarrassed rage that she didn't notice, the doctor, the _highly-respected_ doctor! This was just too funny.

Dr. Sanzenin shot a glare that went completely unnoticed by it's target at his secretary. "You…" Dr. Sanzenin spoke as he shook with barely contained outrage, "You're fired!"

The poor secretary tried to stop laughing, but she just burst into more uncontrolled laughter as she tried. She couldn't afford to lose this job now, even if it involved being under _him_. The secretary gasped for breath as she pointed at him and tried to get a hold of herself, trying to say something but failing.

Kasumi however looked where the other woman ws pointing, behind the doctor towards a shadow… shaped like a ninja!

- - - - - - - - - -

Sasuke dropped down from the ceiling in the darkness of the office onto the doctor's desk and shivered even though it was actually kind of hot in the office. He didn't really want to kill this doctor, but then again mistress Kodachi _did_ say to get rid of everything that would interfere with Ranma's marriage to Ryoga… and a doctor that brainwashed Mr. Hibiki into thinking he was gay qualified in the diminutive ninja's mind.

It wasn't like he had any moral qualms about killing after all, he was a trained ninja… so why did he hesitate like this? Taking a deep breath and gathering his resolve the ninja leapt with his garrote line at the doctor.

- - - - - - - - - -

Dr. Sanzenin never knew what hit him, and neither did Sasuke. They both collapsed in a pile as three figures careened into the ninja and his prey only to continue on and grab the panties Ryoga was holding in his hand before disappearing again chanting "What a haul!"

Nobody moved for several moments that were occupied only by what seemed to be a hollow wind that blew through the doctor's office.

"What was that?" The secretary asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"I don't know." Ryoga answered, baffled by what had just happened, maybe he should just leave all this craziness behind, go on a long training journey or something.

"You don't want to know." Kasumi offered, she shuddered when she thought of how all three seemed to be picking up speed and energy. Nothing good was going to come from those three, she just knew it. "Believe me, you don't want to know."

- - - - - - - - - -

When the doctor finally came around he saw that homosexual Hibiki boy's face and the expression of malice the boy wore did nothing to reassure the doctor, nothing at all.

"M-Mr. Hibiki!" The doctor said in a disgustingly sweet voice that was matched only by a slimy smile. "I thought you were going out on the town with your new identity and self-confidence."

"I changed my mind." Ryoga growled at the man and threw him into the middle of the office.

Ryoga marched toward the doctor, not quickly, but slowly building the malevolence and venom with each step he took. There would be no miraculous rescue for the doctor today, not even the merciful garrote Sasuke would have provided, there would only be this revenge.

Before Ryoga reached the doctor Kasumi held out her hand and held Ryoga back for a moment while she asked a question that had been bugging her since she'd heard Ryoga's story. "Why? Why did you do that to Ryoga?"

Dr. Sanzenin looked up at the woman, then back at Ryoga, he sighed, he had nothing to lose really. "I had to do something to keep myself amused while the golf course is closed for renovations."

* * *

Author's Notes: Um, nothing really, sorry this chapter's late… I rewrote it about seven times, and I'm still not quite satisfied with it. I hope you are though. 

Chris Stalis - Is this going to be more of a "standard" ranma fanfic, where you attempt to create situations that would be typical of the cannon Ranma universe, or are you going to be throwing caution to the winds and catapulting the cast into completely unforseen territories? By unforseen, I mean suddenly going up into space, having a fantasy world come to life, joining the military... et cetra.

Well Chris, for the most part this story will stick to the 'typical cannon'… _However_, all I have to say is _Beware the Side-Stories_, I would say the Ides of March, but March is over, and I don't think you'd want to wait until next year for the side stories to come out as they'll be kinda tangential chapters. (The side stories will delve into those 'unforseen territories'… btw, thanks for the ideas I'll try'n use them in at least one side-story.) I do have to warn you, Joe will be making an appearance in one of the side-stories… _JOE!!_

mnk - … and poor Ryouga in the original world… I'd be so confused I can't wait for you to update I need more!

Yep, mnk, here's your update and as you can see Ryoga _is_ confused… and getting more confused all the time. Poor guy.

Comments & Criticisms are


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